Tag Archives: weight loss

Huh.

26 Mar

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So this happened…

Got on the scale this morning after another not-great-sleep and had a double take at the face plate.  Understandable as my eyes were blurry from being shrieked awake by the news of how high the body count is now in the mudslide here…cuz  apparently I must have bumped the station setter on my clock radio and switched it to talk radio.

…I hate talk radio. It’s almost always angry, picking fights and depressing.  I hate it even more when it wakes me up out of the three hours sleep I finally managed to get.

…So anyway…where was I?

…Oh yeah, I was rubbing my eyes again to focus on the digital read-out on my scale, while behind me the shower water blasted on full, waiting to warm up.

Scale: Blinky, blinky, solid number.

Me: Wait. What?

(I get off and try again.)

Scale: Blinky, blinky, same solid number.

Me: Huh.

(I get off, jiggle the back plate, check the batteries…and try it a third time)

Scale: Yeah, I already told you…”BLINKY, BLINKY, SAME NUMBER.” What are you not understanding here?

Me: Because …how??

Scale: How the hell would I know? I have one job, lady…I’m doing it. That’s all I’ve got.

Me: But…wha…I don’t…understand

Scale: Listen, it is what it is. Deal with it.

Me: But…but…

Scale: –LOOK!! I’ve gotten a lot of fucking abuse from you lately, you know?! Every damn time you’ve used me in like the past month, you’ve told me to go to hell, go fuck myself, or kiss your ass! Every. Single. Morning! All I do is report your weight. It ain’t my fault what the outcome is! Did I shove the booze and shit-food down your throat till you puffed up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon??? NO! I didn’t! I report the results! That’s all! It’s like getting pissed at the weather man when he says its gonna rain today, and it does!!

Me: –BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS CAN BE RIGHT?!

Scale: WELL, TRY! DEAL WITH IT! I’M DONE NOW! GO TAKE YOUR DAMN SHOWER AND LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY!!

Me: BUT, HOW DO YOU LOSE SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY?!?!?

Scale: PEE A LOT?! I DON’T KNOW!!! NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!

Me: So I’ve just passed the 10 pound mark???

Scale: I GUESS SO!

Me: Just like “that?” Just from out of NOWHERE?!

Scale: APPARENTLY, YES!

Me: AFTER ALL THIS TIME?! OUT OF NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING…DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY?!!?

Scale: ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M LYING?!?

Me: IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!

Scale: WELL, I DON’T CARE!

Me: HOLY SHIT!!

Scale: WHATEVER, YOU’RE BEYOND ASTONISHED, YA-DE-YA-DA…NOW WILL YOU GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF MY FACE AND GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER?!

Me: IT’S LESS FAT THAN IT WAS!

Scale: WELL, “BULLY” FOR YOU!

Me: YOU’RE A SHITTY MOTIVATIONAL COACH, YOU KNOW THAT?!

Scale: IN FACT, I DO! AND I DON’T CARE.

Me: CAN’T YOU EVEN CONGRATULATE ME IN MY MOMENT OF GLORY?!

Scale: NO! LEST YOU FORGET, YOU’VE STILL TEN POUNDS TO GO!

Me: –BUT IT AIN’T TWENTY ANYMORE!

Scale: WELL, IT AIN’T FIVE, EITHER!

Me: BUT IT WILL BE SOMEDAY!! AND NOW I KNOW IT FOR REAL!

(I get off scale as it’s screen goes to black.)

Me: FOR REAL!!!

(Momentary joy fills the land, just as I step into the shower…and scald myself raw.)

Me: SUNOFAFUCKINGBITCH!!!!

Shower Head: WELL DON’T SCREAM AT ME?!!? I’VE BEEN WAITING LIKE FIVE MINUTES ON FULL HEAT TEMP! I’M ONLY DOING MY DAMN JOB!! EVERY FREAKIN’ MORNING, IT’S THE SAME THING WITH YOU…!

(end scene.)

~D

D & D Diets

12 Mar

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You know…there should really be a bonus program for when you are dieting. 

…I mean, if you have the luxury of personal trainers and hermitting away from all your temptations, bully for you!  But for those of us who live in the real world, I think there should be some kind of alternate weight loss bonus for every time your face is slammed up against the window full of your choicest weaknesses and you still manage to resist.

…Things like the fact that today is only the third of my self-imposed detox, and in the last 48 hours I’ve turned away three boxes of donuts, a pizza, ham and cheese croissants, several Lattes, and free booze.  I have lost two pounds.  I feel my suffering is worth more than that, due to the circumstances of having to live and coexist with the goods across many hours while people have conversations with me, mid-consuming them.

Diets should be like a game of Dungeon and Dragons. I mean, it’s a bitch of a quest against all odds with shit coming at you from all directions. So why the hell not?

…And in keeping with this theme, we should all get character bonuses and special weight-loss powers to go with it.

For instance, as a Boozing Blubber, I should get an automatic +3 for acknowledgment and effort against any oncoming temptation monster. +1 if whatever I am turning away is offered free of charge, and +10 for stamina if I have to look or smell said temptation over an extended amount of time and still manage to resist it.

…I should come with a resilience weapon that defies mean people who wave their tacos in my face, and does a +20 damage of automatic weight transfer from me to them, and a special covert bonus with a chance to roll to run away and hide in my office with the door closed for an entire turn, when the pizza delivery guy arrives.

…As for alcohol…that might require additional powers from the DM, bequeathed in pity and/or support given the specific circumstances of the monster in play. If at home alone…even if watching a show wherein drinking figures heavily…the Boozing Blubber comes with +5 defiance. But if you take her and put her in a pub over friend-meets and it’s their turn to buy, there should be an added +2 for now being the designated driver, AND a one-time-per-day bonus of “ferret away”…which means you accumulate whatever drinks were offered and are able to use them later, after the Diet Campaign has been completed.

…Which means that by today, I’d already be less like 85 pounds, with two free drinks coming my way…which is more weight than I need to lose, and gives me an excuse to call and meet up with more friends…while killing the Diet Monster, and completing my campaign in full!

If diets were like THIS it would balance out the fucking playing field. It’s only fair. You should at LEAST get the courtesy of success equal to the chances of a roll of some dice.

…Which just proves that if theatrically inclined nerds ruled the world, instead of Science and Politics…water would turn to Mountain Dew, Cheetos would be a major food staple, showers would be optional, and everything would be fucking great!

(Well, two outta three ain’t bad.)

~D

The Final Hurrah!

6 Apr

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I have no idea why I’m awake already on a Saturday, but I might as well put it to good use, and hope for a nap, later.

…All that matters right now, is that I’m 14.5 pounds down, as of this morning, with 6 days left to Opening Night, and the completion of my original February 12th weight goal.

6 days.

Can I do it?

…Moving myself slowly and healthily from “Big Daddy” toward “Oliver Twist (after more)” on the scale, has not been easy.  But lets be real: it never is.  All I know is that I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and give up, but I’ve been working on this last 4 pounds of loss three times longer than all the rest, and don’t see how it is even mathematically possible to reach the final number at this point in this many days, short of a major intestinal upset. 

…Granted, this last week was all but a wash due to monthly hormones, which I have zero control over…but to launch into the hell that is Tech Week, and expect weight loss, is straight up insane.  All that stress?  The late, long hours? Less time distance between work and call? No time to cook things and barely time to drive through a place and wait for a greasy bag of stuff to be handed to you?  Eating in pockets of break times beyond 10 pm, of necessity? 

I mean, come on.

Lets be real.

…But I am so fucking close.

…I’m almost there, you guys!

…20 pounds in 2 months.

…So close I can taste it.

Make it by deadline, or not, I’ll still keep pushing toward the goal.  But then, the new final goal on top of it, will feel (and be) further away…harder to push toward…without that buzzing high of having reached what I wanted to reach, the first time.

I tell myself, it is all for a good cause.  Health, and BMI charts, and all of  that has something to do with it, sure.  But honestly, this is mostly about my own sense of self. And an oncoming birthday. And security in my instrument to be able to tell the kind of stories I want to tell with it.

…My rules, my time.

…It’s about realizing and saying, “I don’t want this anymore, I don’t like it,” then going about changing things from that day on, at your own bidding. 

…It’s about taking control and killing the feeling of restless “stuck.”

…It’s about denying yourself the easy comforts in lieu of the well-earned ones, which somehow mean twice as much, feel more extravagant, and bring a whole new level of appreciation.

It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t readily dive into a 7-course Italian spread right now, if you offered it to me.

…It means, I simply don’t have room to wolf it all down anymore, so have to content myself with the supreme pleasure of a thousand beautiful smells, (which cost nothing), and one helping…chosen painstakingly, specific in its lust for every flavor, planned out in expectation, for a perfect…single..plate…of “omygod-yum.”

Shit.

Now I’m hungry.

Dammit.  Why do I do these things to me?

~D

Less Chunk

13 Mar

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Am strangely content, shoving plain cream of wheat with a dab of clover honey down my throat, while paper-working this morning.

…This is totally only cuz I finally broke my weight holding-pattern this morning, and dropped past the 10 pound marker.

11.5 pounds down.

…Which brings me back to the weight I was, exactly this time last year…

…With 8.5 more pounds to go.

It’s been a grueling enterprise.  But with it comes a lot of benefits.  Such as: I’m less fat. My underwear feel less like strangulation torture devises. And I’m a lot less clumsy now, reaching back to working with the body I knew for all those years…before ballooning out. 

…Where this is a “bother” in day-to-day life, (accumulating extra bruises and getting wedged into tight quarters that didn’t used to be so tight), it is a MAJOR set-back on stage, where even your walk and total use of body instrument are seriously restricted and awkward.  I had to reinvent physical ways of doing things…and not in the “good” way…which particularly in comedy, makes a huge difference in speed and precision.  Also, corsets SUUUUUUCK with extra heft…I’m well versed in ’em and would know. Trust me.

Having  reached this halfway marker in pound-loss, is like getting to re-open my old tool kit again…and go back to using the toys I’ve collected along the years.  My old familiar friends.

…It’s also like beating a Boss in a video game, unlocking new wardrobe levels!

At last, new jeans! Well not “new” new, but new “ain’t been worn in like a year” new.

…This is why you NEVER throw clothes out when you gain poundage. And why you ALWAYS throw clothes out when you shrink.

To say, “I’m never going back to that weight again,” is all well and good, but if your willpower can’t manage it, your belt buckle will certainly help when it starts cutting off your circulation and you have no “next size ups” to graduate into.

…Least that’s my theory.

I’ve never ever been as fat as I was before. So this is a new concept I just made up…still in its beta phase. By all means: feel free to test it with me.

Meanwhile: I’ve 29 new contracts to work out today, the newest “Once” to catch up on (before Marty hyperventilates with hysteria waiting to talk about it with me), some Hanukkah and Ashkenazi Jewish research to do, and a work and run of Act 2, Scene 2 ahead.

…Better get back to it.

~D

The Evil Smell Of “Yum”

28 Feb

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Hello Bunnies! 

Am super ecstatic to report that in the quest to lose tonnage for my current show, ye olde scale finally hit the negative 10 marker! That’s right, 10 pounds lost, since first weigh-in on February 12th!

The craptastical thing about it, is that I only getta claim 7 pounds of that “legit,” as my “cheat-day” saw me gain 3 pounds and have to re-lose it again…plus another pound, which took me until this morning to finally accomplish.

…And what have we learned from this?

…We learned that it isn’t worth a whole day of cheating to have to work 3 days after that, in order to get outta the hole.

…Which means less of a cheat on cheating days.

This is something I can totally do, you guys. 

My goal was 20 lbs by Opening…and had I not stuffed m’damn gob so hard last weekend, I would be halfway there by now.  And STILL not even by calorie counting or “technically” starving m’self.

(* “technically” refers to the fact that my body has plenty input to work on and burn off, with all kinds of green things and homemade foods. But, because I’m me, I am perpetually “hungry” nearly every waking moment of the day.)

The cravings are stupendous. 

I instantly want to eat everything I lay my eyes on…even things I wouldn’t in “real life.”  This makes going to a grocery store, or even the gas station, a major mental hurdle of willpower.  For some reason, my sense of smell has also become magnified to pick up just the faintest whiffs of foodage…cooking 3 miles away…in a house…somewhere in my neighborhood. 

…I swear to you, I could smell pasta sauce simmering, when getting out of my car last night.

With me, this will always be a constant fight, that will never get easier.  Such is the life of a foodie. And I’m one of the foodiest.

…At some point, I’ll be able to add in exercise beyond pacing in my office…soon as the weather turns.  No time to get soaking wet post-work, and pre-rehearsal, then shower et al.  Nor do I choose to chance getting a cold right now.  So, until these gray clouds and random sky pissings calm down to less than 7 days per week, this is the way it’s gonna be.

In Other News:  Finished blocking last night for the entire show, which means we are fucking WIZARDS! (But not literally.  Although, that might be cool to try sometime.)

…I am on my 4th cup of black coffee, (which helped me thru this morning’s Month-End closeouts), and am now off to spend my “lunch,” learning more lines… keeping my mouth too busy to chew on things.

~D

The Salt-Misery

14 Feb

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So I’m being forced to lose weight now, cuz what works for a frumpy school teacher in 1939, doesn’t work three years later as a starving Jewish woman in hiding.

…I started Monday, and am down 4 lbs. Helped greatly (no doubt) by an entire day of being sick. 

Am not following any regime, or counting calories, or starving myself, though. That’s for later.  Just now, I’m in the “cutting out shit that makes sense to cut out” phase. This includes snack foods and dessert menus.  And (starting last Tuesday) alcohol.  And nothing after 7pm.  Except one day a week, where I getta go hog wild on whatever the hell I want.

…Because I’m not a machine, you guys.

I already hate it.

Last night at about 10:30 I wanted salt so bad, I was almost willing to work out or something, just to lick my own sweaty arm.  It was awful.  And then I was all pretending my millionth cup of hot tea was actually hot cocoa.  (Which doesn’t work, just so you know.) And fighting my tummy telling me it was time for my other-other meal of the day…(which is still less than the average “three per day”…only the late night habit of it has totally ruined my constitution and body shape.)

…And then I got up this morning and had the usual breakfast of coffee…only my gut was so empty from the total lack of middle-of-the-night meal, that it still hasn’t stopped growling at me.

Even through all the paperworking and junk.

…And now WHS Pimp is off to get some greasy goodness, which he offered to share, only I can’t, so told him: if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll not bring it anywhere within 50 feet of me.  Or talk about it afterwards.  But maybe let me smell his breath when he’s done eating.

I’m not usually one to force my eating habits on others, or their consequences…but right now, I’m very fragile. 

It’s only day four. 

Day four through the end of show at closing…which is ironically the day before my Birthday.  OVER TWO MONTHS AWAY.

TWO MONTHS?!

TWO?!

How will I ever make it?!  How will I manage to stick to something like that?  Oh sure, some people do it every day, and always have, and have healthy everythings because of it, and la-de-dah.  But I’m a FOODIE, you all.  I have far too much respect for my tastebuds to limit or neglect them!  Why should they have to suffer?!  What have they ever done to me but support me in every way possible (except during the occasional cold?)

…But I have to. 

I HAVE to. 

Because it’s what’s needed. 

…Which, by the way, is this TOTALLY different thing from say a “Hollywood Actor” undertaking to dump a shit-ton of weight. 

First of all, they have endless fundage to afford all those granola-world wholesome foods that taste of cardboard and dirt…and someone to buy them…and someone to cook them, and someone to feed them, and someone to train them, and someone to watch them like a fucking hawk.  And that whole time? That is their “job.”  Just that: To lose weight.  The rest of us have to manage on real-world schedules, during real-world jobs, without so much as a Butler around.

Don’t you feel sorry for us?!

I do!

Alllll the poor slobs that feel it necessary to take it on the chin and pull up their too-big, big-girl panties, and undertake something all alone like this!

…And also: I want some potato chips.

Fuck you, salt-misery!

~D

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