Tag Archives: phones

Naughty Girl

26 Jun

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After two years, I’ve added a new member to the family. 

…Jumping ship to Sprint, for the pure purpose of securing the specific phone I’ve been lusting for, (in a price range I can actually afford), she is now on her way to me.

…And will soon be making others lust after her as well.

…For I have built her a custom case…spending hours tonight, flipping through google pics for just the right image to grace it.

With a pour-out of Scotch, and the Julie London Pandora station on in the background for inspiration, I surfed to my little heart’s content, pulling and pimping pictures from classic films specifically…as I decided her sleek frame and saucy smarts insisted on it. 

Grant and Garbo, Davis and Dietrich…I spent a very enjoyable twenty minutes just on “Classic film kisses” (and highly suggest a decedent play time with that when you have a moment)…moving then into Hurrell’s portraits as a main focus, then full-out Noir.

Noir is where I remained the rest of the evening.

…Wonderful shots…shadows and smoke abounding.  God, they knew how to light in those days, and had these face that just slap you stupid with seduction.

…Which ushered in one of m’fav dames in the good ol’ MGM golden years of cinema. Someone I’d be totally cool with being when I grow up (minus the 3 husbands): Ava Gardner.

If you haven’t yet, you should watch her. Or, hell, even just look at her.

…If you hang around me much, you’ll have plenty of option to, now.  She’s been selected as the new poster girl for the newest family addition.

And as I name virtually everything, (further referring to it upon occasion in my blog), may I introduce you to the new kid in the house, and digital BFF: “Naughty Girl.”

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…We are gonna get into SO much trouble together.  I can’t even wait.

…Especially leaving her face-down on every surface I can find, as a terribly titillating conversation starter. 

…Among other things.

(heh, heh.)

~D

TGIF

20 Jun

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It is Friday, though I am commentating still from my Thursday blog.

Mrs. Johnson decided to show up about ten minutes to curtain, slapped me around a bit back stage, but managed to keep in her place whilst all the important things were happening.  Which was good. For her own sake.

…I pack a mean wallop.

Just finished my little pill cocktail for the risidual pain, and am about to hit the hay. 

Payday.

My own.

…More than a bit despressing to be handing out weekly $7,000 checks to contractors, while I collect my own little piddle amount, for the second time this month…but some is more than none. 

…And I’m treating myself to a new phone.

Upgrade time.  And I’ve spent MONTHS researching exactly what I want.  And, by jumping T-Mobile ship, I get it for $400 less than if I stayed.

I hate change. 

…But I refuse to pay half a grand on something a third-world-nation child makes in a factory for 5 cents wages per day.

…To be frank, even if the kid got $499 of it, I still wouldn’t pay it.

Have you any idea how long it takes me to save $500?

…Me either. Thanks to my never-ending bills, I’ve yet to once ever fucking do it.

So, Hello Sprint and the HTC One.

The end.

~D

Wasted, On A Tuesday

2 Oct

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Now that month-end is over, my thoughts are almost entirely placed on lines…and the Yakisoba left-overs in my fridge.

I am super hungry.

…Which is prob’ly why I can’t concentrate on anything at all right now.

Have been spending the day drinking terrible coffee that faintly resembles the cleaning fluid section at the grocery store.  I can’t quite put my finger on why, or what the specific scent/taste is reminding me of, but I know its something toxic and wrong.  Yet I keep drinking it.  Was hoping it would keep my tummy from growling.  All it’s really done is make my mouth taste like bitter antiseptic.

…I think I’m getting a headache.

Today is clearly one of those post month-end-from-hell, life-sucker ones, where you kinda feel like you have a hangover the next day.  And it would prob’ly help a lot to just punch someone. Yesterday’s round of shit accomplished just exhausted the life out of me.  Which is inconvenient when it is only “Tuesday.”    

…Also, it’s been a day from Hell in the phones department. 

Ringing, ringing, ringing…all day long

…Three lines lit at the same time while you’re on another.  Can’t catch up with them…even when I try to liquidate them from the VM roster, they are multiplying due to the fact that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD monitors their phones.  So they wait to get a message, then call, then wait to get a message, then call…it never ends.  I’ll get in carousel rides with these people all day long…calling and re-calling, and re-calling the same bastards over and over and over again…because they can’t be bothered to pick up.

…And they ALWAYS bitch when you finally DO gain access to them: ” I’ve called and called and called you people…!” 

Yes.  I fucking KNOW.  It’s because you won’t stop calling, and just pick up the goddamn phone (along with the seventy other people today) that I am constantly on the line and cannot answer!  How about you recognize that you AREN’T the ONLY customer I have, nor my full purpose in a day.

…You guys, I’m really cranky right now, and I know it…but there’s just nothing to be done.  I called it at noon.  Just gotta suffer until the clock clicks over to four and I can get the hell outta here.

Sometimes, I just don’t have the capacity to give a shit about the work day, the customers, the constant demands, the always being pulled in twelve directions.  And this, my friends, is one of those days. 

I hope yours has been “gooder.”

~D

Hello Idaho & The “I Quits”

19 Sep

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Boss: “We needed to do something to cut the bottom line…”

…This is maybe the second thing Boss said to me, when he arrived three hours late to work, my first day back from Vacation.

Me: “As in…?”

Boss: “You’re booking Spokane now.  And also, Idaho.”

Me: “So we aren’t doing the Spokane remote office.”

Boss: “Nope.  Oh, and also…the Vancouver Manager quit while you were gone.  So you’ll have to help the new guy figure some stuff out.”

Me: “Can you maybe be a little more specific?”

Boss: “Yeah.  Teach him how to do the job.”

Me: “Remotely.”

Boss: “Right.”

Me: “…While I catch up on the $47,000 in orders you didn’t process while I was gone, plus book all of Eastern Washington and Idaho.”

Boss: “…But I brought you whiskey.”

(He plops it on my desk.)

Me: “…Which is great if I didn’t have like fifty-thousand things to do right now…”

(He cracks it open.)

Me: “Also…it’s not even noon yet…”

(He tosses one back, clean.)

Boss: “I’ll be in my office.”

(He takes the bottle with him.)

…And this is how my Monday went. It just got better from there…the more buzzed he got.

[Around 1 PM]

Boss: (Singing from his office.) “…No I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”

Me: (From my office.) “Can you maybe not sing so loud? I’m on the phone and things…”

Boss: “…No I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”

Me: Seriously!

(He chuckles.)

…You guys, it’s taken me three days to stop hating him enough to find the “funny” in this shit, and actually write it down. Also…HE NEEDS to FUCKING LEARN MORE OF THAT SONG’S LYRICS. For three SOLID DAYS, it’s all he’s been hollering. Non-stop.

[Around 3 PM]

Me: “What is it with you and that song…why do you keep yelling that?”

Boss: “I just really identify with it, is all.”

Me: “Cuz you’re a 22 year-old pop-it Country superstar from Nashville?”

Boss: “Yes. And I’m gonna make you a CD of it to remember me by…”

Me: “No.”

Boss: “…Or a mash up, with that one Kelly Clarkson song…”

Me: “–I don’t want it.”

Boss: “Over a House beat.”

Me: “–Go away.”

Boss: “…And I’ll NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”

Me: (Yelling.) “YOU AREN’T EVEN SINGING IT RIGHT!!”

(He stands there in the doorway and grins.)

Me: “What.”

Boss: “…It’s good to have you back, you know?”

Me: “I’m sure it is.”

Boss: “You missed this. Come on. Admit it.”

Me: “I will quit and leave all this work, if you say one more word. I swear to you.”

(He disappears back into his office. At some point, I get up to go pee. When I come back, a shot of whiskey is sitting beside my computer. I think of all the work I’ve done today, and how little I get paid for it, and how he’s getting a bonus that I earn him every month, so he can sit there Facebooking and drinking whiskey all day, while singing pop songs. Badly. I shoot the drink.)

Me: (From my office.) “This doesn’t mean we’re friends, you know.”

Boss: (From his office.) “… … … AND I’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER…!”

…You guys…sometimes, it’s just too much.

~D

Conversations In A Day

11 Sep

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The Cuz has arrived, and thus begins Vacation Part Two:

(First crack of morning.)

Puff: (On the phone.) Where you at?
Me: (In bed.) Huh?
Puff: I’m here!
Me: Wuh?
Puff: I’ve landed.
Me: (Bolting upright.) OH HOLY SHIT-FUCK!  It was 9:45 A.M.?!?!
Puff: Uh. Yeah.
Me: I AM THE WORST!  I thought it was 9:45 P.M..
Puff: Nope.
Me: I will TOTALLY be there in 20 minutes…I SWEAR!

***

Me: (With a toothbrush in mouth while making bed) Oh God! I screwed it all up!
Ma: (On phone, possibly still sleeping.) Hello?
Me: He’s HERE! He’s here already!
Ma: Who is this…?
Me: —I’m twelve hours behind, and I haven’t even gotten up yet hardly.
Ma: What’s happening?
Me: –I even asked him like yesterday to confirm. 9:45 he said. 9:45. Cuz like an idiot I kept thinking it was night and all.
Ma: Is this a wrong number?
Me: MOM! IT’S ME! PUFF IS HERE! I NEED YOU TO FOCUS FOR A SECOND!
(A gaging, choking sound.)
Me: I almost died just then. Fucking toothbrush…
Ma: Puff is HERE, did you say?
Me: YES! YES!
Ma: Well, GO GET HIM! What are you talking to me for?!
Me: I just freaked out, is all. I’m going! I have to–I’m going…!

***

(In car.)

Me: (via text.) OMG, I am the worst ever!! Let the ridiculous “me” stories begin. I am totally on the road right now, yelling at this old lady driving a boat, going negative ten miles an hour in front of me. My road rage is unparalleled with moroseness for not only making a 12 hour difference fuck up, but also being mean to a woman who already lived through eight wars and is prob’ly using a booster seat just to see over the steering wheel…
Puff: …No stress, I’m having some breakfast.
Me: …So you have stories to share already. Awesome. This will never be boring, Puff.
(Picture of breakfast arrives with a ding.)
Me: Hella. P.S. I need coffee like woa. And I look like I just rolled outta bed. Cuz I totally did. If you wanna pretend you don’t know me, I can hire a hot dude to meet you at the terminal and bring you to me. It won’t hurt my feelings.
Puff: … I’m at the Alaska arrivals area. Sitting on a bench.
Me: Grabbing parking now.
Puff: Where do I need to be?
Me: Wait. What airline?
Puff: A-las-ka. I’m right outside on the lower level…

***

(Still in car, calling on the phone.)

Me: So…I’m in the garage now.
Puff: Do I need to be in the garage?
Me: No, I’ll come to you. Only I’m…I’m looping here…
Puff: Huh?
Me: Looping. I’m looping to get out. Then I need to circle around.
Puff: What are you driving?
Me: A PT Cruiser.
(I take the totally wrong lane and end up in “departures.”)
Me: (Totally lying.) Um. I’m in a holding pattern. Almost there.
Puff: Heheh. “Pattern is full, Ghost Rider…”

***

(After another go-round on the terminal attack, and seeing him on the curb.)

Me: Dude. I’m an asshole, and I’m totally sorry.
Puff: It’s all good, cuz.
Me: Also, you know all those things that you wait to do until the day people come, when you are on vacation and just let shit go?
Puff: (silence.)
Me: …Like cleaning your car, doing dishes, dying your hair, sweeping the house, spraying toxic chemicals all over the bathroom and giving your fish a bath? Yeah. None of that was done. So I guess it’s good you’re family.
Puff: Yeah.
Me: I mean, I still need to get my nails “did” for shits sake.
Puff: I’ll go too! I need a pedi anyway.
Me: See. This is why I love you.

***

(On a short walk to coffee shop.)

Me:…And this is our park. And this is our gas station. And that is where The BFF lives. And this is our homeless man. And that is our Yuppie market…
Puff: –When do I get to meet her?
Me: Who?
Puff: The BFF.
Me: She gets off at five-ish, so maybe Tuesday? I dunno. But it’s happening for sure. You’ll love her. She’s like me. Only not at all. And way more fierce.
Puff: I know. I read your blogs.

***

(In Tacoma Boys.)

Puff: Psst…
Me: (In another world smelling a grape.)
Puff: Psssst. Pssst.
Me: (Wondering which onion is the “good” one.)
Puff: Hey!
Me: Huh?
Puff: (Whispering.) The “ginger.” Two o’clock.
(I look. I wrinkle my nose and shake my head.)
Puff: Not for YOU, for ME. (Idiot.)
Me: Ohhh. Really?
Puff: And he’s here with his gramma. Bonus points.
Me: “The good grandson.”
Puff: ‘Xactly.
Me: A “ginger.”
Puff: Definitely.
Me: Huh.

***

(Gigantic crash at base of stairs.)

Me: Sunofabiscutcruncher!!!!
Puff: (From the kitchen.) Are you dead?
Me: The damn paper bag broke. I just shattered an entire bottle of red.
Puff: (Now from landing.) Where?
(I move aside and show the kinda blood spill that only makes it on C.S.I.)
Puff: Oops. Want help?
Me: No. I’ll just lick it up. Its fine.
(Beat.)
Puff: You’re kidding. Right?
(Beat.)
Me: Sure. Okay. I’ll go get some paper towels. Be right back.

***

Puff: (From sink.) Um…
Me: Are you washing the bananas?
Puff: Wine spill. And you might wanna watch for glass splinters. I got one.
(He shows his finger, which is leaking the identical color of red as the wine bottle did.)
Me: That is exactly the same color as the wine.
Puff: Yeah.
Me: …Maybe we should toss the bananas.

***

The BFF: (On phone.) You called?
Me: Yeah. Come meet Puff and help cook Fajitas.
The BFF: I’m…(I accidentally blank out and have no idea what she says right here. I think I was putting junk away in the crisper.) …and then I will, at around 9:30. Okay?
Me: That’s P.M., right?
The BFF: Yes.
Me: …Just making sure.
The BFF: I’ll buzz you.

***

(While watching “Snow White and the Huntsman,” both basically ignoring it as we are on our computers separately…he to FB, me to blog.)

Puff: She. Never. Closes. Her. Mouth.
Me: My god. It’s all I’ve been thinking

~D

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