Tag Archives: mornings

Huh.

26 Mar

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So this happened…

Got on the scale this morning after another not-great-sleep and had a double take at the face plate.  Understandable as my eyes were blurry from being shrieked awake by the news of how high the body count is now in the mudslide here…cuz  apparently I must have bumped the station setter on my clock radio and switched it to talk radio.

…I hate talk radio. It’s almost always angry, picking fights and depressing.  I hate it even more when it wakes me up out of the three hours sleep I finally managed to get.

…So anyway…where was I?

…Oh yeah, I was rubbing my eyes again to focus on the digital read-out on my scale, while behind me the shower water blasted on full, waiting to warm up.

Scale: Blinky, blinky, solid number.

Me: Wait. What?

(I get off and try again.)

Scale: Blinky, blinky, same solid number.

Me: Huh.

(I get off, jiggle the back plate, check the batteries…and try it a third time)

Scale: Yeah, I already told you…”BLINKY, BLINKY, SAME NUMBER.” What are you not understanding here?

Me: Because …how??

Scale: How the hell would I know? I have one job, lady…I’m doing it. That’s all I’ve got.

Me: But…wha…I don’t…understand

Scale: Listen, it is what it is. Deal with it.

Me: But…but…

Scale: –LOOK!! I’ve gotten a lot of fucking abuse from you lately, you know?! Every damn time you’ve used me in like the past month, you’ve told me to go to hell, go fuck myself, or kiss your ass! Every. Single. Morning! All I do is report your weight. It ain’t my fault what the outcome is! Did I shove the booze and shit-food down your throat till you puffed up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon??? NO! I didn’t! I report the results! That’s all! It’s like getting pissed at the weather man when he says its gonna rain today, and it does!!

Me: –BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS CAN BE RIGHT?!

Scale: WELL, TRY! DEAL WITH IT! I’M DONE NOW! GO TAKE YOUR DAMN SHOWER AND LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY!!

Me: BUT, HOW DO YOU LOSE SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY?!?!?

Scale: PEE A LOT?! I DON’T KNOW!!! NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!

Me: So I’ve just passed the 10 pound mark???

Scale: I GUESS SO!

Me: Just like “that?” Just from out of NOWHERE?!

Scale: APPARENTLY, YES!

Me: AFTER ALL THIS TIME?! OUT OF NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING…DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY?!!?

Scale: ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M LYING?!?

Me: IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!

Scale: WELL, I DON’T CARE!

Me: HOLY SHIT!!

Scale: WHATEVER, YOU’RE BEYOND ASTONISHED, YA-DE-YA-DA…NOW WILL YOU GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF MY FACE AND GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER?!

Me: IT’S LESS FAT THAN IT WAS!

Scale: WELL, “BULLY” FOR YOU!

Me: YOU’RE A SHITTY MOTIVATIONAL COACH, YOU KNOW THAT?!

Scale: IN FACT, I DO! AND I DON’T CARE.

Me: CAN’T YOU EVEN CONGRATULATE ME IN MY MOMENT OF GLORY?!

Scale: NO! LEST YOU FORGET, YOU’VE STILL TEN POUNDS TO GO!

Me: –BUT IT AIN’T TWENTY ANYMORE!

Scale: WELL, IT AIN’T FIVE, EITHER!

Me: BUT IT WILL BE SOMEDAY!! AND NOW I KNOW IT FOR REAL!

(I get off scale as it’s screen goes to black.)

Me: FOR REAL!!!

(Momentary joy fills the land, just as I step into the shower…and scald myself raw.)

Me: SUNOFAFUCKINGBITCH!!!!

Shower Head: WELL DON’T SCREAM AT ME?!!? I’VE BEEN WAITING LIKE FIVE MINUTES ON FULL HEAT TEMP! I’M ONLY DOING MY DAMN JOB!! EVERY FREAKIN’ MORNING, IT’S THE SAME THING WITH YOU…!

(end scene.)

~D

Death Of Keurig

10 Oct

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My Keurig exploded this morning.

…Well, actually it was more like it pooped chunks.  I knew it was all gonna go south when it took me two minute to clamp the cup in so the water lid would pop up.  The clamp wouldn’t stick.  Kept swirling the cup canister dealy-boop that lets you put whatever fresh grounds you want in it…but the lip musta been off or something on the top, because clamping was just not happening.

…And reasoning didn’t help at all.  Threats either.

Finally I managed to shove it all together, popped the “go” button, and shuffled back to bed to sit out the perk time, while staring into oblivion and contemplating the effort of keeping my eyes both open simultaneously. After the final colicy burps and hisses announced completion in the other room, I shuffled back to the kitchen to find coffee ground diarrhea leaking all down the sides of the Keurig and cup and onto the counter top.  Only about half of the liquid-ground mixture actually made it into the mug, which I blinked at with a sigh. 

…This is where tea strainers come in handy.

…Grabbing another mug, I glopped the mixture through a strainer into it, losing more along the counter and floor for my efforts, and then just left it all sitting there as I brought my two inches of coffee left to the cause, with me to the shower.

In the best of cases, mornings and I aren’t friends. This one seemed to pre-doom itself from the beginning, but then calmed down to something more manageable later in the day. It’s only fair really, when you start out that pathetically.

…And now, the first time I’ve been able to take a break for the day, I’m only one hour out from calling it here at the office, and going home. A clammy walk in misty fog will be my next challenge for the day, followed then by four hours of Act One review at rehearsal. Somewhere in there: more line runnings, the manufacturing and eating of “dinner,” and fixing of the Keurig…so we can relive it all again tomorrow.

I’m game.

…It’s totally gonna be fine as soon as I start moving again and pretend like my ass isn’t just permanently affixed to this swivel chair with a phone glued to my ear.

…Fifty more minutes, friends. Only just fifty more.

Even I can do that.

~D

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