Tag Archives: internet

Things To Do When Home All Day Sick

4 Jan

I am at the tits-end of a cold. 

…Have been fighting to keep it at bay before it really takes hold. This means “down time.” A lot.

…To keep from mental suicide, this also means lots of movies, while googling about the people in the movies, to satisfy the “muti-tasking” gene.

…Which is when you do things (for instance) like watch “From Here To Eternity,” and really realize on Bluray how TOTALLY BUILT Burt Lancaster is, in that beach scene…so you (naturally) google more pics of him.  Which brings up a hot one of him and Ava Gardner.  Which is when you click to go to that article publishing the picture.  Which is when you read how that was from his first film, “The Killers,” during which he began an affair with Gardner, directly after (Mom, just “la-la-la” to yourself here) getting a hard-on while filming the love scene, which the crew therefore totally made fun of. 

…So naturally, you need to find that damn movie. Online. NOW. And watch it.

…And for the first time (prob’ly ever), you get TOTALLY irritated because the movie DARES to have “plot” and things before Ava even turns up (38 minutes and 13 seconds into the movie…and THEN, it is only even her back.)

…But eventually: the scene arrives. 

…And it delivers.

(And so does the twist ending.)

…And you go back to the internets for more “scoop”…eventually stumbling over that one site where you can plug in your face and see who your celebrity doppelganger is, based on general features n’ junk.

…Which is when you get this idea about plugging in random show pics to see just how good you are at this whole chameleon-character-actor thing. 

…Which makes you laugh so hard, that you have a coughing fit and almost pee your pants as a result.

…Which is when you decide that you should share the wealth.

Even though it means people in the blogosphere will know what you look like (even if you are nameless to all but your privately selected FB friends.)

So: fine.

Here are my doppelgangers (according to character type.)

Personally, I think a 1930’s German Spy totally looks like this chick (whoever the hell she is.)

And naturally a Nun would closely resemble Eva Peron.

Amy Winehouse with a generous helping of Ozzy’s genes in there? You bet.

…And when I think Jewish mother in the Holocaust…Christina totally is the 1(00,000,000,000th) person I think of, dunno ’bout you.

…Just like nothing says “Beaver” more than Leslie Caron (enter French Beaver jokes, here.)

You guys need to know that should you ever need a singing Cockney Prostitute: Jenna Elfman in your dame.

…And NOTHING screams tea-party-right-wing-Mamet-horror, like a social activist and “L-Word” actress.

…Which is only slightly confusing…cuz if you actually WANT a lesbian, you should aim for casting a Hilton…

…But if you want a Celebutant, rich-bitch, flapper, go with REAL class: Mae West. (She comes with one-liners and talent.)

When I think of a 40’s New York Undercover Cop…I always assume it will be cast with a French model…

…Whereas NO ONE says “first lady of the American stage” like…Winona Ryder?

I kinda like that Mina Harker could be a Bollywood star in another life (hell, she has infinity of time by the end, so why not?)

…And bitchy Jane Austen antagonists ALWAYS should be played by actors with three names (more room to take up on the marquee.)

…But above ALL…my MOST favorite, is that a saucily randy Shakespearean Lady’s maid equals a noir love-making queen…

…Which brings us back full circle to the story about how one night? I had this crap cold and was watching “From Here to Eternity”…and noticed for the first time how TOTALLY BUILT Burt Lancaster is. So, naturally…I started to google more pictures of him, and I found this one really hot one…

…With Ava Gardner.

The End.


Letter From A Confused Pirate

12 May


Dear (Person Whose Internet I Have Been Openly Pirating),

I’m not sure whether you are aware of it or not, but you haven’t paid your internet bill in well over two weeks.  I know this because I am the resident Pirate who has been tapping into your unlocked feed for the past three months or so.

It has been very convenient.

Do you know the pleasure of Netflixing straight to your TV, without having to hotspot off your phone, (and thus suck up all your data plan juiceage?)

…Well, not right now you don’t…but previously?  Back when you were paying your bill?  Do you remember how awesome that was?

…Because I do. 

Quite fondly.

…That is, until the death-telegrams began popping up. 

Not all the time, but frequently…as if the internet itself is confused as to your exact account status…a little screen will rise from the ether, announcing the cease of all access due to unpaid bill charges. 

It begins: “We regret to inform you…” just like a real death. 

…In antiquated times.

…While at War.

…And I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to receive such a letter as a primary form of notification for a whole life ceasing now to be…when just the notification of dead internet via one, totally ruins almost all my current plans in life, and a great deal of BBC streams.

It is most inconvenient.

…And confusing.

…Because at times, it can be quite the (pardon the expression) cock-tease.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, the signal will pick up and work for a spit of time.  But not with any longevity, or clarity, or reliable functionality.  It toys with you: the stream.  It taunts.  It will state it is open for business and NOT be, or it will say it ISN’T, and work for five or ten minutes anyway…it will boot you off mid-blog, mid-FB post, mid-movie, with ZERO empathy for your resulting emotional condition or loss or frustration.

…And always, without exception, before you have finished doing whatever it is that you are doing.

It frankly, my dear sir, is a bitch.

…And like any almost-friend, who is a stranger, who also Pirates from you, I feel it only fair to warn you of her scheming ways, in case you haven’t quite picked up on them as yet.

….And to kindly inquire, while we are at it:

“When the hell are you going to pay your fucking bill?  I have some serious internetting to attend to.”


The Dread Pirate:


Dead Internets Day

9 May


We had no internet until 2:30 today at work…which makes a person extremely unproductive, lemme tell yuh.

…Everything, short of our schedule, is collected on the servers so we have constant access…which only works (btw) when you have: constant access.

…So there was that.

A lot of filing was done.  And also, a lot of lunch-eating. 

By the time we got back online, I had less than two hours to achieve an entire day’s work…which I very nearly achieved. (Two reports short.)

…So it goes.

And now we hit Friday.  And a payday. 

(Which my bill-sucking-friends will be so very happy about.)

So thankful to be back in the south-end doing shows again, as it’s already saved me about $40 in gas, just this week alone.


Tomorrow’s rehearsal is all book work and application.

Good stuff.

And am fucking finally off book for Act One (and a smidge of two.)

…Taking forever.

Off to wash m’face now. 

And contemplate sleepage.


Death Of Internets & Raw Cheerios

3 Apr


An incredibly boring lunch of raw Cheerios on a paper towel. 

…From the lobby, two pastries…still in the box from yesterday…keep staring at me.  Every time I pass, I verbally abuse them.  Finally, by around noon, I couldn’t take it anymore, so shoved them to the other side of the coffee pot, and stacked all the coffee condiments on top, like a tower of visual obstruction.  Can still see the fuckers peeking out from the side of  the plastic shield topper.

…I hate you New-Contractor-who-brought-them-in-to-try-and-butter-me-up.  I really hate you.

Zero bonus points earned.  Displeasure, increased to 110%.

I have not folded. 

I will not. 

…After two days, nothing is going to take my pastry virginity away from me.  That would just be stupid at this point. Like having it off for the first time with a Prostitute.


God.  My hormones. 

…Admittedly, a little wonky, at the moment.

Maybe some more coffee…


(sips at coffee…now cold.)

Finished Call The Midwife, Season 2, while printing reports.

…It’s even stronger than the last one.  And my favorites all have special awesome bits to play with in plot and character development.  It’s good when your “friends” get more to do and show off their talents in.

The internet keeps freezing.

…Reset the server three times today, and nothing seems to be working.

…Prob’ly cuz I used the microwave again. To heat up my last cold coffee.

…Which somehow interrupts our signals being that the wire hook-ups are all on the wall, just above it. Which means that (no doubt) the mere action of heating up some water for a cup of tea will end up shorting something-or-other to the thinga-ma-jigger and burn the entire place to the ground, by accident, one day.


No WHS Pimp today.

…He’s been driving since 3am doing drops all day, from the Canadian Border, back, to the peninsula and fuck-all.

Don’t tell anyone, but I kinda miss him.

…It’s nice to have the office quiet again for a change, but he does have a way of using total political inappropriateness to take the edge off a shitty day. Like all the things that could get you fired in any other office environment, that we just openly flaunt back and forth to each other all day, because I’m a filthy-minded theatre-heathen, and he’s a boy.

…It’s kind of amazing how much steam that combo can let off in the course of a day, when given the kind of ammo we are. Daily.

Tonight: More rehearsal. In fact nothing but, except for Saturday, until after we open.

…Which is in 9 days. Preview in 8.

In my humble opinion: we are not ready.

…Not that we are supposed to be at this point, but sometimes one is, and it’s nice when that happens. This case just means we have harder work ahead.

Our Tech, (for reasons unknown) will not officially begin until Sunday. Which, by total irony, coincides exactly with Holocaust Remembrance Day. A fitting task to be undertaking at that time, don’t you think?

…Meanwhile, my wardrobe keeps changing rather drastically, and I’ve only seen the costumer twice ever, so have no idea what my current costume plot is. Which sorta really bites, as we’ve been given permission to start using costumes to help time stage changes, only I can’t because I don’t know what I’m wearing, when. So it’s still the mime-phase for me.

Here’s hoping for more info soon.

…I don’t mind stripping down to my knickers on stage, from 3 to 5 layers, but it would be nice to figure out some sort of contingency plan before a literal audience sits staring at me doing it.


…And you just shut up, you lobby pastries! I can hear you whispering from here.




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