Tag Archives: hungry


20 Mar


We have crossed the halfway point of my detox.

It’s for-shit.

…After cutting salt, sugar, booze, fast food, and preservatives, plus adding a vitamin regime, and tons of raw fruit and veg, I am only 5 pounds down from the day I fucking started.


…None of this has been worth five pounds.  Ten would even be stretching it, but acceptable.  Five is what you gain after a day of pizza, ice cream and beer…with maybe a burger on top.  If you take that same shit away, reason states you should lose the same amount.

…It’s only fucking fair.

…If you take that stuff away across 11 days of time…you should be dumping weight faster than (enter analogy here…I’m too hungry and tired to think of one.)

…And that’s another thing: isn’t eating well supposed to make you feel awesome?!  Aren’t you supposed to sleep better and go around like the happy chicks in Tampon commercials with all their running, biking, hiking, swimming, excess energy joy?

Cuz I don’t.

…If anything, I’m moodier and have to force myself just to take a flipping walk at saunter pace in the sunshine.

…It’s like a horrible perimenopause over here. 

…Reason is telling me to just bunk it and go back to life as I know it.  None of this is making me look, feel, or act like a better person.  Back in the happy days of whiskey and hamburger patties…I was at least fun to be around.  I’m even pissing myself off lately. 

…But I will stick with it to the full run-out date, anyway.  Because I’m not the giving up type. I will win this fucker by completing it, and then screw the lack of results as I will in theory have won anyway just by seeing it to the end.

…And then…

…I will have the most butter-filled, meat-coma-inducing, cream-sauce-covered meal you have ever seen, to celebrate.  And I will drink whatever the hell I want to.

…And I will prob’ly have the best sleep and happiest following day in the past month, because of it.

Detox can suck it.


Miracle Cheerios

29 Jul


I have these miracle Cheerios at the office. 

…If I were to guess on the conservative side for their date of purchase, I would place it sometime last year.  For certain, no earlier than Christmas.  I know this, as it was part two of a Costco box, and that was the last time I frequented said bulk-everything establishment.

Now, I dunno how or why…but when I was forced to dip into the bag again today (as a default lunch), the fuckers still crunch as loud as ever they did, and are minus any kind of stale or strange other funk one would for sure expect by this time in it’s expiration date.  Maybe the plastic around said Cheerios is made of the same special preservatives as English skin….like whatever they dipped Helen Mirren in.  Or Sophia Loren’s boobs. Or peanut butter. I dunno. 

…I also dunno why God, (who sorta has a lot of things going on at the moment) would take time out of his busy day to miracle-dose, said bag of Cheerios, specifically…but he clearly has, and did.  At this point, they are just shy of the death-without-deterioration laws that the Catholics set aside as Incorruptible.

…They could practically be canonized.  Right now.

These Cheerios are special. 

…They have been set aside as a kind of on-going residual food-source, whenever I am in need of one, and even when handfuls are subtracted, seem to hold the same bag-filling volume, ongoing to infinity.

At this point: they are a supernatural wonder.  For which I am thankful.

…May they so continue in their ongoing quest of emergency nourishment.

Forever and ever…

…(or at least ’til I remember to buy a new one.)



Wasted, On A Tuesday

2 Oct


Now that month-end is over, my thoughts are almost entirely placed on lines…and the Yakisoba left-overs in my fridge.

I am super hungry.

…Which is prob’ly why I can’t concentrate on anything at all right now.

Have been spending the day drinking terrible coffee that faintly resembles the cleaning fluid section at the grocery store.  I can’t quite put my finger on why, or what the specific scent/taste is reminding me of, but I know its something toxic and wrong.  Yet I keep drinking it.  Was hoping it would keep my tummy from growling.  All it’s really done is make my mouth taste like bitter antiseptic.

…I think I’m getting a headache.

Today is clearly one of those post month-end-from-hell, life-sucker ones, where you kinda feel like you have a hangover the next day.  And it would prob’ly help a lot to just punch someone. Yesterday’s round of shit accomplished just exhausted the life out of me.  Which is inconvenient when it is only “Tuesday.”    

…Also, it’s been a day from Hell in the phones department. 

Ringing, ringing, ringing…all day long

…Three lines lit at the same time while you’re on another.  Can’t catch up with them…even when I try to liquidate them from the VM roster, they are multiplying due to the fact that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD monitors their phones.  So they wait to get a message, then call, then wait to get a message, then call…it never ends.  I’ll get in carousel rides with these people all day long…calling and re-calling, and re-calling the same bastards over and over and over again…because they can’t be bothered to pick up.

…And they ALWAYS bitch when you finally DO gain access to them: ” I’ve called and called and called you people…!” 

Yes.  I fucking KNOW.  It’s because you won’t stop calling, and just pick up the goddamn phone (along with the seventy other people today) that I am constantly on the line and cannot answer!  How about you recognize that you AREN’T the ONLY customer I have, nor my full purpose in a day.

…You guys, I’m really cranky right now, and I know it…but there’s just nothing to be done.  I called it at noon.  Just gotta suffer until the clock clicks over to four and I can get the hell outta here.

Sometimes, I just don’t have the capacity to give a shit about the work day, the customers, the constant demands, the always being pulled in twelve directions.  And this, my friends, is one of those days. 

I hope yours has been “gooder.”


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