Tag Archives: Eat

She Withdrawls A Little….

16 Mar


It’s like a social warzone out there today. 

…After going back and forth with cloudy/sunny days across two weeks, it decided to rain today, and apparently piss everyone off in the meantime.

I’m not in a great mood either, but that’s beside the point.

Mine is based purely on being mid-day-seven without sugar, salt, fried food and liquor.  I feel this is a LEGITIMATE excuse to be cantankerous…definitely more than just “it’s raining.” Especially in this state.

…Everywhere I’ve gone today, people have been dicks.  Cutting you off in traffic…not once, but four or five times.  Kids throwing fits at the pet store and screaming at the top of their lungs while you’re stuck in a line that stretches past the adopted pets and amphibians all the way to the freaking bird food section, as the parents continue to ignore it completely like they’re deaf. A lady who wants to debate every single charge amount on her receipt at Bed, Bath & Beyond…they didn’t have any purses I wanted even a little bit at Marshalls or Ross…and then the topper: waiting in TWO Starbucks lines, with cutters.

…I fucking hate cutters. It just outrages me!

…I hate it even MORE when they are standing between me and the LAST CRUTCH ON EARTH allowed to me: a cup of black coffee.

The first time, the drive thru line was coming from so many directions, I let it slide and moved onto the next drive thru, further down the freeway…but by the SECOND time, I was ready to jump out of my car, rip open their door, and shove a bottle of Beta water conditioner up where the sun don’t shine.  Fucking Audi assholes and their goddamn cookie Frappuccinos!

…Now FINALLY I am home. Where I apparently should have just stayed to begin with.

I knew the pjs were using an old seduction line, but what works, works…and I should have just listened to the damn know-it-alls, and not even gone out today.

…Instead, I’m ticked off, with a half a thing of coffee left (as the Barista didn’t put the lid on right, yeah…you can guess how that turned out)…and now I’m off to make something green, that I don’t wanna eat, but don’t have a choice about, as it is all that exists in my house now, which is not yogurt…!!

…And “fruit on the bottom” can just kiss my ass!

(Rips shirt with giant coffee stain off, throws it on the floor, slams a chug of what’s left in the cup, and marches to the kitchen, indignantly.)

FUCKING DIETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wrong Breakfasting

8 Jul


I’ve just succeeded in ruining breakfast again. 

…Woke up late, due to chronic Mrs. Johnson shenanigans in my guttal region all night, forcing me to grab what few hours I could whenever they came to me.  This ended at 11 a.m., with a sum-total of about five hours if you squish all the separate minutes together into one chunk…resembling a “sleeping” version of canned Spam.

…Anyway, I was lazy, and I’m outta milk. 

Instead to trying to choke down dry cereal pebbles (an action not unknown to me), I decided to take all the pre cut and grated salad fixings, and throw ’em into a bowl.  Then, grabbing my fist-full of drugs, I loped to the living room, sat at the coffee table and tried to convince my appetite that raw onions are delicious and everyone wishes they had kidney beans and garlic chicken staring them in the face first thing in the morning!

I took a few sketchy bites, and decided that “not thinking about it” was going to be the best plan in choking it all down.

…Because I love me some spinach salad, friends! You get some avocado and onions, tomatoes, two kinds of cheese…spiced chicken, couple kinds of beans and throw some cilantro on that shit, and I’m about as mouth-happy as you can get! But I am also here to tell you that as delicious as it is, there are just some foods you shouldn’t face before your morning coffee (whatever time and however late in the day that might be.) And this here, is one of ’em.

…And because we are friends, and I care about you…because I love food far too much to see it wasted in moments outside of its “magic hour” expiration dates,  I thought I would put my suffering to use and share with you several foods with special rules that will help you not repeat the morning travesty I just got finished partaking in.  Please feel free to add to the list as you see fit.  They are, in no particular order:

Exception Foods” Not To Be Eaten Before Morning Coffee

* Leftover chimichangas.
* Any kind of soup.
* Anything containing fish items (which should technically never be eaten anyway…they swim in their own poop.)
* Spaghetti.
* Meat not belonging to a pig. (Unless you’re Irish.  Then corned beef hash is not only allowed, but encouraged.)
* Pizza. (After you graduate College, trade this tradition in for your diploma. Adult-you will thank me for it)
* Raw onions or garlic.
* Anything you ate for dinner last night.  Even if it was “breakfast.” (Your body is still using the first version, and you’ll only confuse it.)
* Savory breads with things like chunks of veggies in it.
* Anything involved in “pickling.”
* Anything which falls under the blanket term of “Fair food.”
* “Hair of the dog.” (Unless you aperitief it with a giant slug of Pepto first.)
* Soda (your guts will explode. I saw it happen once.)
* Spinach salad (with all the fixin’s.)

…Note that I have said nothing of things like Pop-Tart-sprinkled-Captain-Crunch, or Venti Oreo Cookie Fraps with Chocolate Whip.  This is not to assume I think of these as good ideas for breakfast food meal plans.  It just means I’ve taken into account that though you may contract severe diabetes by consuming them, your tastebuds won’t recognize the wrongness as much, merely because sugar is involved. And sugar, (as we know) masks a multitute of sins.

Right. Now that my conscience is clear, and my duty is done…I am off to brew me a fat-ass pot of Kona, and scrub my tongue, pretending this entire episode never took place.


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