Tag Archives: dear SWAL

Dear SWAL 3.0

31 Jan

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Welcome back to Dear SWAL…our monthly installment of where Marty fwds me her Customer Service woes and I answer them the way we would all want to, if it wouldn’t get us fired by doing so. For last month’s episode, click here. For the rest of us, let’s move on to a review of a common problem: Blatant Customer Stupidity, or BCS.

…A lot of us who deal with BCS on a daily basis, have figured out a variety of trouble shooting exercises and go-tos that can help, when their common sense has all but failed them. But sometimes, you’ll get someone in such an advanced stage of BCS that even the tried-and-true tricks of the trade are beyond their capabilities. And sometimes those people aren’t even customers really, their whole purpose is to review your product and write about it. These people are called just plain BS’s. (Conveniently this abbreviation works for both the placeholder of what they are AND what they DO, for a living.) And this is Marty’s exchange (in edit form) with them.

…SWAL’S comments are bolded for your convenience.

***

BS: I’d be interested in checking out a review copy of “X” so at least I’d know how to promote your new book…I doubt I’ll make it to your top ten list on this promotion. Since I haven’t started a list of my own yet. But, I do get over 1,800 visitors a day…so, I may be able to sell a few.

Thank you for the heads up about this

~BS

Marty: The first link is for the sign up and the second is to an affiliate copy of the program

(Link 1) (Link 2)

Login: “login”

Password: “password”

~ M

***

SWAL: …So far, so good…

***

BS: Oh, you’re such a tease. (SWAL: Uh, what??) If you didn’t want to send me a review copy why did you bother sending me this e-mail? (SWAL: She fucking sent you a link. TO THE COPY.) Clicked your first link and signed up, fine, I went through your first hoop like a trained puppy dog. (SWAL: Ummm…) Second link, put the e-mail and the password in you sent me and NOTHING! NOT-A. A waist of time.

…So, I’ll tell you what. If you’d like for me to get the review copy so I can promote the book then jump through the hoops for me and the download link should end up in my e-mail box. (SWAL: Woa buddy, excuse me?!) Or better yet just send me a download link and not waist each others time with this busy work non productive stuff.

~ BS

***

SWAL: …Oh HELL no…!

***

Marty: I am very sorry but when I click on that link and type in the below, I get logged into the program no problem. What problems did you have? There is no need to be rude, I will help you.

login: “login”
password: “password”

~ M

BS: Hey, I apologize, I didn’t mean to sound rude! (SWAL: Coulda fuckin’ fooled me.) I’m just frustrated now. My e-mail address is (“his personal email”) Right? The password you give me was (“password”) Right? It still doesn’t work for me. So, when I click lost password it says there is no such e-mail address in your data base or something along that line.

…I’m really getting tired of playing around with something so simple yet still won’t work for me. (SWAL: **facepalm**) Can you just send me a download link PLEASE? I don’t know what else to do.

~ BS

Marty: I am very sorry for any confusion, but I now see what the problem is. You need to use the login I gave you, as well. The (“login”) login.

login: “login”
password: “password”

~ M

***

SWAL: Its one thing when you “hear” something and mix it up so can’t follow it properly…but when the fucker is IN TYPE, what is your excuse then??)

***

BS: I know we are both speaking English here, (SWAL: ARE you though? ARE you?) maybe I’m just too stupid to do this… (SWAL: Well, OBVIOUSLY. Yes.) …but when I click login: and login…It takes me to a screen to write an e-mail. Is that what you want before you send me a download link? An e-mail with the password you gave me? Well here you go: “Account” (SWAL: **Double facepalm**)

…Now, it may be on my end (SWAL: Yuh think?!) …but, we are having a really bad misunderstanding of each other here. (SWAL: Only YOU, buddy, she understands you perfectly. Unfortunately.) All I asked for was a download link for the preview of this book so I could read it to get the jest of this book to know how to promote it without making promises to my readers the book won’t fulfill. Saving us both refunds and hurting our rankings in clickbank. (SWAL: And I believe that is exactly what she did.)

No other marketer has made me jump through this many hoops to promote their book before. (SWAL: What is with the fucking “hoops” crap?!) I’m confused and frustrated now. Skip the password stuff and PLEASE just send me a download link because I’m tired of these games where I’m on the losing end. (SWAL: She can only help your incompetence so far, pal…) …Maybe you’re getting paid to play e-mail tag but, I’m NOT. The time I’ve spent in our correspondence with this issue could have been spent writing a blog post promoting something else. (SWAL: And based on your performance here, no doubt with efficiency and intelligent, educated judgement.)

I’ll tell you what, if you can make your link work for you and the password work for you (which it doesn’t for me) I’ve tried it. Do me a favor and do it with using my e-mail address…
(SWAL: **Triple facepalm.** Have run out of faces and palms and am now borrowing other people’s.) …and I should see the download link in my e-mail box.

…One thing for sure is my blog readers will ask for a refund before they go through this much hassle to get a download. (SWAL: I would hope your blog readers are smarter then this, but then if they follow your blog, we can only hold out so much hope.) … And I’ve never had a return so far and don’t want to start now.

My goal of this e-mail was to be a simple thank you note to express my appreciation to you for even bothering to deal with me (SWAL: As well it SHOULD be.) …and say I got the download link and I was able to read the book now.

…But instead I have to admit I’m a stupid asshole that had to bug you again still without a clue what the heck I’m suppose to do to get a review copy. (SWAL: JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS! ) Oh sure I could have just said still can’t get the book to download for me (but where’s the fun in that?) I never made it to a download page to begin with. (SWAL: HOW?! HOW?! HOW can you STILL not figure it OUT?!) …And I’m not known for short and sweet anyway. I hope I didn’t sound too bitter or offensive with my comments here though.

Your Frustrated Buddy,

~ BS

***

SWAL: Dear Lord…how does she DEAL with this shit…

***

Marty: Am very sorry if any of this isn’t clear and will do my best to make it more clear. Apologies

Please click on this link

(“Link”)

That link should take you to a page where you are asked to type in a login and password. For the login please type: (“Login.”) For the password please type: (“Password.”) Do not type in your own personal email for the login. Please use the login and password I have given you.

I cannot send you a download of the book to read because we don’t have a direct download link for the book. The book is separated into modules and we do not have a link for all the material that we can give out right now. I hope those instructions are clear.

~ M

***

…And he was never heard from again.

That concludes this month’s edition of Dear SWAL. Here’s hoping all our retail friends in Customer Service, here and abroad, have less BCS and BS’s in their lives this month. And if not: at least you now know: you ain’t alone.

~D

Dear SWAL 2.0

26 Dec

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It’s time for our monthly dose of Dear SWAL letters, with special thanks to Marty for passing the questions on from her working establishment. For our last installment, visit here.  For the rest of us, lets launch right in to the problems and solutions of the masses NOT in matters of sex, tech, and relationship circumstances, as per usual…but with special emphasis (this time of year) on customer service.

…These are the kind of things we retail workers of the world would LIKE to answer you, if only we wouldn’t get fired for it:

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Question: “jesus h christ…this mole goes on for ages and says absolutley nuffinn…just the the blokes on here……how can someone waffle on for sooooo long and not say one thing that is worth even 2 cents?”

Answer: “lord love a duck…Welcome to the world of dating, friend. Better get used to it.”

~

Question: “I do not understand the instructions on downloading. I do NOT have kindle. I do NOT have facebook. Only Windows XP on Microsoft. Could you please email me EASY to install instructions for reading this ebook.”

Answer: “You mean easier than the ones in the highlighted box next to the order screen that says: ‘You don’t need a Kindle to read the book. You can download the Kindle reader for your cell phone, tablet or computer or you can read the book in the “cloud reader” on Amazon, so there’s really nothing holding you back.’?”

~

Question: “How the fuck u.got my email address nd got into my.inbox ya sneaky fucj.”

Answer: “It’s this whole magical thing where, when you order something, we get your info so we know where to send it. Ya mindless idiot.”

~

Comment: “PLEASE HIT THE NAIL AT THE HEAD. STOP WASTING MY TIME. IF YOU WANT ME TO BUY JUST TELL ME NOT USING WORDS ON ME WITHOUT TELLING ME THE REAL STUFF.”

Answer: “IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE STUFF, BUY OUR SHIT. (Consider the nail, “hit.”)”

~

Comment: “Don’t waste your time sending me further crap regarding the devil species known as women. I have a dog that is better then any woman could be. I was curious about what you had to say but why bother when women are at best a distraction. I still love them but only on the porn sites as they are not much good for anything else.”

Answer: “This devil species member has duly noted your comments and cancelled your order. I feel compelled to tell you, however, that bestiality is still illegal in most countries, and frankly: your resolved abstinence elsewhere only saves the world at large from a hugely horrific task of having to copulate or accidentally breed your specimen of humanity any further. Have a nice day.”

~

Comment: “YOU ARE AN IDIOT ! AND IF I EVER GET A CHANCE TO MEET YOU THE FIRST THING I WILL DO IS TO MAKE CLARETTE SPRAY FROM YOUR FACE ! YOU ARE AN INSULT TO ALL REAL MEN YUOU HUMAN PIG ! !”

Answer: “Sorry you got dumped. Here’s a coupon for free chocolate.”

~

SALES ATTEMPTS

Comment: “my name is Prince Williams I have worked with three different spell casters on internet and i got no result…when i asked them for refund, they never replied to my mails again and it got worst when threaten to reveal all i asked for and let the one i wanted to cast the spell on knows about it too…While i was working with him, i was as well working with another and the other did not lie to me…only God has saved me from that.if you want to save yourself from all this contact Dr B he helped me with my spell.: and he will give you the help you ever wished for.”

Answer: “Dear Prince Wills: Though it may feel like it, we are not at this time casting spells to aid in relationship advice. We thought we’d try the old fashioned way of reasoning and communication, first. We are also unable to accept solicitations, specifically centering around the dark arts. We will gladly tackle a hydrogen bomb break-up, but not with the use of crippling voodoo, free-will eradication, and/or smelly potions. Sincerely, SWAL.”

~

Comment: “Get a rael suger mummy ,suger daddy,lesbiance sexys.in all conutry that are ready to pay any amount to an indevidual in 30 mins that can also last fore bed or sexualy vibrant. that can help you in all aspect of life,they can as well take you to travel art or to work in any company of your choice in the world.they are avalible now in…abuja…in lagose … in portac…in uk…in nigeria…try as much as posaible to grab one them to mark your history.”

Answer: “We are not currently in the market for sex trafficking, organized slave-trade, or peeing on people to mark our territory. Even for our ‘art.’ So kindly fuck off. Thank you.”

~

…More Dear SWAL next month, and until then: back to our regular programming…including tomorrow’s (prob’ly slightly hysterical) review on tonight’s “Les Mis” attendance…for which I am so exited, I could just pee!

~D

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