Tag Archives: Dark Humor

The End Of An Era

15 Aug

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“Mawwage.  Mawwage is bwings us together, today…”

…Or rather, actually, it is what separates us…spikes lawyer fees, divides up all your friends and worldly possessions, pushes you through custody battles, and has you living on a couch in the garage or someone else’s basement.

Everyone I know is getting divorced. 

…That is a gross overstatement, but it feels like the truth, and is really bumming me out. 

I am of the age where we are demographically told this is all perfectly normal. “Depressing as fuck,” but “normal.” According to what everyone is “supposed to do:” Young twenties is for marrying, mid-to-late is for the baby-making, and once you cross the threshold of your thirties, you suddenly want to repeal all your past decisions…like a Politician…and start looking for exit strategies. 

I get it. 

Marriage is hard. 

I certainly couldn’t do it, and would never be dumb enough to try.

…But a lot of the yous are fairly good at it, seems like. It “wears” well on you…like a tailored suit.  All your little foibles and personal idiosyncrasies, (that might seem totally nut-balls to someone else), are accepted equipment to this person you’ve shared your life and bed with.  They’ve seen you at your pukiest.  They’ve seen you at your sexiest. They’ve been there for births and deaths, know all your secrets, and fears and pains.  The fact you survive this for any extended amount of time, and still come to the conclusion that “alone” is better?…That’s grim.

When I hear, “it just isn’t working out,” with regards to people I care about, it kinda stabs me in my closet romantical parts. I am too ashamed to yell “ouch” about it, cuz then you’d all find me out and stuff.  Instead, I’m sitting here with a current count of five knife wounds, seeping heart-ink.   Because I like you and your families and kids and crazy parent stuffs.  I admire your courage.  I think you’re all totally insane as well, yes, but someone needs to keep “society” moving forward, and better you than me.

…Also, I miss weddings.

I miss the “idea” of weddings.

…I miss the party that comes afterward; the many toastings of free alcohol, the vintage music, bad dancing, and inevitable squabble between new in-laws.  I miss flirting over the food tables, staunchly refusing to join the gladiator fight over the bouquet, downing more glasses of champagne than I intended to, and freely partaking of bad-choice decisions in make-out partners.  (Because everyone looks good in a tux…even your goober brother.)

In my head, it all plays like that movie: “Four Weddings and a Funeral.” Minus Andie MacDowell. (Therefore, only the good parts.)

…So now, not only am I losing my perfectly good matchmakers, crutch-couples, and default Holiday-families…I’m also not being given compensation prizes in the form of “replacement” weddings…which kills the best chance I have to acquire a decent date (and some side-action), for God knows how long.

It’s only fair substitution, really.  If you take one out, the universe should be prepared and obligated to replace it.  Otherwise, who’s going to take pity on all of the forever single friends? 

Who will have us as awkward “thirds” at parties, and introduce us to hot in-law cousins? Who will have tiny people to call us “Aunty,” which we are freely encouraged to hold and snuggle and corrupt, then hand back at day’s end?  Who will invite us for giant home-cooked meals in which it is completely understood we are only responsible to bring a bottle of wine? Or to house sit, and have the kind of two-person income that can afford all the good movie channels, (and maybe a hot tub?)

…Now they’re all gonna be back out here! In the cold, empty world! With me! How is that gonna help?!

…They know more things! They’re more adaptable! And intuitive!  They’re more reasonable people, with deep senses of responsibility and the fierce need to protect their young and rebuild a safe environment for them to grow in.  Now they are “friends” turned vicious Mama and Papa bear on the world…so it’s nothing “personal” or anything, but if there is any “good” to be had or any “decency”…at allwhatsoever…they’re gonna pounce on that shit!  And they will go all Lady-prison-B-movie, ape-shit, in order to achieve it.

…Which leaves me where, exactly?

Now I have no Holidays, no parties, no set-ups, no weddings…and now, even the “free potentials” walking around are gonna be sucked up by “professional” relationship-makers.

I am just screwed.

…And prob’ly never again, in the good way.

Thanks a LOT, inevitable early-thirties and your wishy-washy political exit schemes!

Thanks a lot.

~D

The Episode Where She Leaves Him

30 Jun

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You know how married people fight? 

…I mean the “epic” fighters…the real vocal-chord-shredding type.  I mean, like the Taylor and Burton kind of epicness?  Well, that has become the basic “norm” in the office in the past two months. 

…Boss sails in and dumps a bunch of shit on the two of us running the place, then books it to the nearest Happy Hour.  Even finding some that begin as early as 9:30 a.m. (Or so we are told.)  Basically, he has the manners of a dog…walks right up to your lawn, takes a GIANT dump on the clean carpet of green, and promptly leaves it for you to step in, then pick up, later.

…Also, he’s been yelling a lot. About everything.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU KNOW I NEEDED THIS WITHOUT TELLING YOU?! CAN YOU NOT READ MY MIND?!  WHERE IS THAT PAPER I HAD IN MY HAND TWO DAYS AGO WITH THE THINGY ON IT?!  WHERE IS THE TRUCK OF STOCK I FORGOT TO ORDER?! DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND MY CHICKEN SCRATCH WRITING?! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS AN AUTOCORRECT AND WRONG! WHO STOLE MY STAPLER?!  WHY IS IT RAINING AGAIN?!  WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME ALL OF A SUDDEN?! …I’M A VERY CHARMING INDIVIDUAL!! ASK ANYONE?!”

…Naturally, I yell back.

“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DUMP SHIT AND JUST LEAVE?! HOW DOES FACEBOOKING FOR NINE HOURS CONSTITUTE ‘WORKING?!’  IF YOU DON’T ORDER THE STOCK, WE HAVE NOTHING TO SELL!  WHY AM I SPENDING THREE HOURS GETTING YOUR BONUS FOR YOU WHILE YOU DRINK JOHNNY WALKER ON ICE, DOWN THE STREET?  STOP CONTACTING ME AFTER HOURS! WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A GIANT DOUCHBAG?!”

We have an odd mechanic of a relationship, I know.

…Over the five years working with him, I have become so indispensable that I’ve been told to my face, even if I (say for giggles), decided to burn the place to the ground tomorrowhe would take the heat for it.  Because he knows very little (if anything) of what I actually do in a day.  All he knows is: it gets done.  All of the “it.”  The arrangement we have , goes something like: He never changes his ways, and after I reach a point where I cannot take it ANYMORE, I blow up at him, royally.  He takes it.  He leaves to find a bar.  I sit and keep doing paperwork. 

It’s not perfect, I grant you.  But it is our “system.”

…But the “system” has been cooking with extra steam since our last job contract came through, and now there is little, if any, reprise, ‘tween one fight and the next.  Our office marriage has become the most idyllic poster child for “divorce” that you have ever seen.  We just grip each other’s throats  and tear, on a nearly daily basis.

…Which is one of many reasons that I am now looking for a new place of employment.

…But, WHY the extra-oomph of hell at the office all of a sudden?

Among many reasons, a new one popped up, mid-yell over the phone yesterday.

***

He: …I MEAN, JUST MAKE IT FREAKING HAPPEN!  WHAT IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM?!

Me: YOU!! YOU ARE MY DAMN PROBLEM!  I’M ALREADY ON MY FIFTH REPORT THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.  I’VE ALREADY DROPPED EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN DOING TODAY TWICE TO GET THIS CRAP DONE.  PLUS, I WAS ON VACATION LAST WEEK, AND AM TRYING TO FIX ALL THE SHIT YOU SCREWED UP!

He: HEY, AT LEAST I TRIED!!

Me: THIS ISN’T GRAMMAR SCHOOL!  YOU DON’T GET POINTS FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO DO YOUR JOB FIVE-YEARS-IN, BUT FINALLY DECIDING TO GIVE IT A “GO” ON A THURSDAY AT 3:35 PM!

He: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!  WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I’M ASKING YOU?!

Me: I AM!! OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE OTHER TWELVE THINGS YOU DUMPED ON ME ALREADY TODAY?

***

…Etc.

It has become the kind of volatile atmosphere that breeds heartburn and migraine headaches (Me). And flagrant morning-alcoholism (He).  And we don’t even have to be in the same building to achieve it. But even though the stress and contracts and numbers have been a HUGE contributing reason as to why we have been pushed to the kind of stress we currently boil in, all day every day…it has gotten considerably worse.

At first, I thought I was rubbing off on him. 

When I’m good n’ pissed, I can be quite a bitch.  It’s true.  I kinda own it.  But he was never a cusser in the average day-to-day…and he yelled very little.  Now, he’s like a hydrogen bomb.  Which means, naturally, so am I.  So there we go, day in, day out, exploding like beach hits at Normandy…

***

He: …WELL, NOW I WANT YOU TO DO THIS ‘OTHER’ OTHER THING. SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Me: LOOK, I’M ALREADY DOING THIS REPORT THAT I HAVE TO SEND TO YOU BY FOUR…SO YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME ON IT LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER, AND TURN IT INTO THE TEACHER.  I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO BOTH!

He:  SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW THEN, HUH?!  I NEED THIS THING!

Me: THEN I SUGGEST YOU PAY THE BAR TAB , GO FIND A PLACE WITH WIRELESS, AND DO IT YOURSELF! JUST THIS ONCE.  YOU’LL SURVIVE. I PROMISE YOU.

He: LOOK, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS!  I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I’M TELLING YOU?!

Me: I  AM!!!!!  I DON’T JUST SHIT REPORT ANALYSIS!  IT REQUIRES FIGURING OUT.  WHICH IS ACTUALLY YOUR JOB.  THIS IS MY FIFTH ONE I’VE DONE FOR YOU TODAY!  I’M ONE PERSON!!! ONE PERSON!

He: YEAH, WELL?!  WE ALL HAVE “PROBLEMS,” DON’T WE?!  I “NEED” THIS THING AND “DON’T HAVE IT.”  YOU HAVE THINGS I DON’T NEED, BUT WON’T GIVE ‘EM TO ME…!

Me: WHAT?! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MAKING SENSE NOW!

He: — YEAH, WE AAAAALLLLL HAVE “PROBLEMS,” !  EXCEPT SOME PEOPLE.  THEY HAVE EVEN BIGGER ONES…!!!

Me: –WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…??!!

He: — OH GEE, YOU HAVE TOO MANY REPORTS TO DO…OH GEE, I’M BEING AN ASSHOLE TO YOU…WELL, AT LEAST YOUR WIFE DIDN’T JUST LEAVE YOU!

Me: — I DON’T HAVE A WIFE!  

He: — YEAH WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT: SHE DOES

(Beat of total silence.)

He: THAT’S RIGHT!! SHE LEFT ME!  FOR A WOMAN!  AND DON’T GO TELLING ANYONE! CUZ I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY IT OUT LOUD!  AND NOW IT ACTUALLY FEELS EVEN WORSE!! SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT! AND WHEN THE HELL WILL THAT OTHER REPORT GET DONE, ANYWAY?!?!?

(The line falls to death on both ends.)

Me: I’m starting it now.

He: WELL, ALRIGHT THEN!

***

It’s probably the only fight in History that I have ever “thrown.”  Willingly. On purpose.  And immediately.  I figured, just this once, maybe it wasn’t essential that I “win.”

I feel it was the right choice. 

…Course, ask me again on Monday and it’ll prob’ly be an entirely different story.

~D

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