Tag Archives: customer service

Gnome Idiot, The Spew

1 Nov


Well towards closing the second month of her stay with us here at the Brothel, Gnome Idiot is not any closer to knowing what the hell is going on than the first day she got here. 

…Her dormant posed dead-eye reaction to things being communicated to her is now beyond landing on our last nerves.  We have very few left these days as it is, what with all the covering for a position now no longer in existence, since Boss went by way of extinction.

With four times the work, we could really use the help of…you know…”the help.”  But being frozen from replacing her whilst the branch is still in limbo, we are stuck with this minion who seems humanly incapable of making any choice, save the worst-case-scenario one.  The worst of it (beyond inability to take notes and follow simple repeatedly reinforced directions) is that she is the first point of contact with the outer world. 

…And the outer world ALSO thinks she’s an idiot.

Tons of complaints rush in daily…etiquette and stupid mistake, misspeaks, and unfortunate choice of verbiage being such a varied finger pointing in this instance (and she being SUCH a literal-concept person), that even if we manage to get through to her cavernous brain-parts on why “this” was not the greatest idea of a thing to say, she will go on and fuck it up again by doing the same mistake with different words and not understand how one is the same issue as the other.

The problem is: her brain is not connected to her mouth in any way. This is a dangerous animal to put in a customer service position (I think you will agree.) It’s like her voice is on a vomit-spew setting, that no matter how frequent you attempt to customize and educate it, just refuses to process and update.

…What do I mean by that? I mean things like:

Scenario 1

Idiot Gnome: Um. Yeah. Um, I have a rep on line who wants to buy a display…so um, what do I tell him?

WHS Pimp: We aren’t selling any of those displays right now. We have to wait until they have more road time, and break down a bit before the cost will balance out to sell and build a new one.

Idiot Gnome: Okay. (Back on phone with Rep.) So, um…yeah…we don’t sell the displays n’ stuff until they get more wrecked…

(She hangs up.)

Me: (To Idiot Gnome) Alright, so you REALLY need to choose your words more wisely when communicating with people.

(She looks at me blankly.)

Me: No “ums.” Think before you speak, not while you are speaking…try not to abbreviate words like “and” to “n’.” And “wrecked,” when talking about selling product, is not a good choice of word.

(Still blank. The phone rings. It rings again. And again.)

Me: You wanna get that, maybe?

Idiot Gnome: Okay.

Scenario 2

Idiot Gnome: (On phone leaving mssg) Um yes, this is [Idiot Gnome], we are just calling to verify what repairs you need, or whatever, to give us a call here at [number] but not at the corporate location at [number], okay? Thanks. Bye.

Me: Okay, so here’s a thing…you really need to keep working on your professional phone etiquette, here. And your choice of censorship. Just, think what this call is about…and phrase it in a more positive way. For instance: we are calling to verify they are happy with their product and if there are any questions or concerns, to please call us direct at this number. We don’t want to plant the idea right off the bat that repair needs are such a frequent happening that we make calls after every build to find out what we did wrong THIS time. And for the sake of professionalism, things like “ums” and “whatevers” and “okays” aren’t solid choices. Also, the main point of this call is to get them to contact us directly. Giving them the Corporate number at the end of the message as the last thing they hear and write down, is not the greatest idea.

(Blank look.)

Me: You know what I mean?

(Blank look.)

Me: Seriously. Do you?

Idiot Gnome: (Still blank.) Yeah. Sorta.

Scenario 3

(As she passes back and forth ‘tween offices, hacking, coughing and sneezing for over an hour, open-mouthed and without cover.)

Me: [Idiot Gnome]…can you please do me a favor…just for the sake of the office at-large…since you touch every piece of paper and go in and out every office, is there any way you can do that “cough into your elbow” thing they do in school. To help with germ spreading and things?

Idiot Gnome: (Cough, cough, hack, sniffle) No, yeah…I totally am.

Me: Actually, you’re not. This is about the tenth pass through my office, where you just hacked out a bunch of phlegm over my coffee cup.

(Idiot Gnome stares blankly, and openly sneezes, coughs, coughs and hacks again.)

Me: See. Like right there, for instance.

Idiot Gnome: (As if in explanation.) I have a cold.

Me: Yes. I know. That’s what I’m saying. The rest of us would like NOT to. If you cover your mouth, that might help with that.

(Blank stare.)

Me:…Is what I’m saying.

(Blank stare. Idiot Gnome coughs again.)

Idiot Gnome: Well. I’ll do my best.

Me: That’s all we can hope for…

…Then there are things like:

Gnome Idiot: …Um, I dunno, but I think black is our darkest color…


Gnome Idiot: …Yeah, I think it’s prob’ly depending on the rain. Cuz if it rains it’s wet, and I don’t think we paint in the rain. Really. All that much.


Gnome Idiot: …Um, that’s a really good question, hang on and I’ll ask…(to me) what’s the power source for?

…If I kept a tally roster of her stupid choices and comments in a single day, it would be a full time job, just to log it. And I have enough jobs at the moment. Including dealing with her customer complaints:

Customer 1: Yeah…your reception girl is an idiot.

Me: I’m sorry, she is currently in training at the moment, and we are working with her. Is there anything I can help you with?

Customer 1: No. She’s just an idiot. She has no idea what she’s saying, she lets huge pockets of dead air space on the phone when you ask her something, and she sounds like she’s about twelve.

Me: We are working with her on that.

Customer 1: On being an idiot?


Customer 2: Hello?

Me: Hello, how may I help you?

Customer 2: Is this that girl again?

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer 2: Didn’t you just put me on hold?

Me: No, sir, that was our receptionist.

Customer 2: Why the hell have I been on hold so long?!

Me: I apologize, I was on another call. How can I help?

Customer 2: You could fire that girl. She kept picking me up and putting me on hold every time I asked a question, and each time she would come back and have no answer for the last one.

Me: I’m sorry about that, she is currently in training, and as I was on the other line, I wasn’t able to answer her questions at the time.

Customer 2: Well, as her supervisor or whatever, I think you should know, she sucks at her job. Even an idiot knows better then to keep picking up and putting people on hold all the time.


Customer 3: This is the fifth call I have gotten from you people in three months. What do want, now?

Me: I’m sorry, I was just passed your call from reception, is this regarding a build or repair or…?

Customer 3: It is regarding nothing. I keep getting a call from some teenager at your store. She leaves these random voicemails I can’t understand. Our thing was built, we signed the paper, what is the deal?

Me: I’m sorry, there is a multiple procedure call system we have to go through for booking and verification. You’ll get the original sales agreement call from Corporate, the install booking call from us, as well as the confirmation call, and a final wrap-up confirmation, in case you have any questions or concerns. It sounds like she was attempting the final call, and had left you a message.

Customer 3: I dunno how I’m supposed to get THAT from what was left on my cellphone, but…whatever.

…And so it goes.

It goes and goes and goes, with new surprising dumb choices, every day. Sometimes we become so frustrated by it, that we wanna punch a wall. Sometimes, we are able to have a moment to appreciate the humor in just how bad she really is, and share it, in wild gesticulations in our office, miming the play-by-play of her most recent fuck up, until we have the other one laughing so hard, they are crying.

…Either way, the unified signal of “dead behind the eyes, and vacant in the brain” that we have assigned to mean both that and our every frustration with her, has long-since been solidified. And it will almost always at least register a smirk in response when given in passing.

Whatever gets you through the day, I guess.


This Is Being Recorded, For Training Purposes

25 Jun


Open Letter To The Customer Service Department:

Dear [The Place],

I really wanted that thing.

…I wanted it so much, that it was almost worth the 40 minutes of totally wasted time I have spent with you today. Beginning, when your website errored TWICE in the final page of payment…after re-entering all the order, billing, and shipping, info, immunization records and twelve kinds of proof that I am who I say I am, beginning to end, two-times. 

…I wanted it so badly that I even called you up…a thing that I never do…because I spend 8 fucking hours a day on the phone as it is, and everyone who knows me, knows that I freakin’ despise having to be on one any more than I absolutely have to.

….Which is why being put on hold three times, directly after, was super awesome.

…Almost as rad as being hung up on.


Two. Times.

After which, I called YOU back.  Both times. 

…Had to wait through the song-and-dance phone tree again, just to get relaunched on the same waiting list pool-from-hell, and listen to the same scripted text as read by a zombie, which apparently you all feel is necessary to reintroduce to people…even ones you have hung up on, who have already heard the shpiel twice, and say so before you even begin for the third time.

…This LAST drop, however, was my limit.

Maybe I don’t really want that thing so bad, after all.

…Maybe almost nothing is worth the total frustration of 40 minutes on a commissioned-sale purchase, which a totally incompetent C.S. Rep is going to pocket even five cents of.

Maybe this is fate telling me to hold back for better things…in different colors…at higher speeds.

I dunno.

But what I do know is:  somewhere there is tape on it all.  It was being recorded for training purposes. (Or so you claimed, no less than eight times in the course of my constant batting from one malfunction to the next.)

…One hopes you at least consider getting in on some.

“Training,” that is.

Just something to think about.


A disgruntled Non-Consumer


Dear Customers Of The World

12 Mar


We are in the middle of the beginning of a ridiculous sales year on the road. 

The builder bunnies are out in full force, the mass of product trucks are hitting nearly every day, our reps still haven’t figured out how to work a fax machine without shredding nearly every P.O.,  and The Boss is typically MIA.

…This time from an Ulna fracture.

…Because he fell over while playing basket ball with his kids.

Everyone knows that this totally incapacitates you from answering phones or logging into the internet…so it looks like we have 6-8 weeks of totally on our owness, here at the office.  This changes nothing really. It’s just a different excuse from the other ones.

Meanwhile, all those early purchasers who bought around the Holidays to take advantage of sales, are starting to pop up for install dates.  Put on hold of their OWN doing, it now exasperates them without end that they cannot cater-pick the EXACT date that they want to be built.  Because, “Didn’t you know we get first priority?  We bought this 5 months ago!”

…Explaining to these people that “first come first serve” means that people have meanwhile been booking up the calendar as they purchased THEIR buildings, (without putting them on “hold.”) This is a totally foreign concept to the leg-draggers.  Apparently we should have no customers other than themselves, leaving a wide-open range for any date of their choosing from now until June, whenever they get their shit together and finally prep their land.

…Also, we are apparently idiots for building in the rain.

…Though the climate lasts for nine months of the year and always has.  You’d think people would know this, owning land here, but it seems that they don’t.  Or rather, they just don’t care, as long as we don’t build in it, but still on the day they want, so we should not inconvenience them, by making sure that this happens.

…And don’t even get me started with the Bouncers.

(A “Bouncer” is a customer who calls repeatedly, swapping dates back and forth, inevitably getting pissed off when sometime ‘tween change 5 and 6, someone else takes the earlier slot they’d already given up, but now want back again. Mostly only because now, they can’t HAVE it.)

All of this just further proves that people (most especially “customers”) are by and large, hissyfit-throwing-assholes.

(Those of us who work in any kind of sales industry already know this.  But for those who don’t: here’s your little FYI.)

Everyone wants what they want, when they want it, and because we are a Capitalistic society…having all been taught that “the customer is always right,” will be thrown in your face no less than 700 times in any given week.

…But I am here to tell you, that this is a load of shit.  And let me tell you why:

Because no one person is the center of the universe.  Which is bad enough to negotiate on it’s own.  But in our societal frame of mind, we EACH think that we are that “one” person.

…So, apply that concept to the entire U.S. population, and you would have 315,480, 016 centers of the universe, just right now. (according to the U.S. and World Population clock.)

…Which is 315,480,016 people, too many.

In this mode of thinking: money and a hissyfit will buy you anything. And it won’t. It can’t. Guess what, even Bill fucking Gates has to wait for an Amazon box to arrive. Just…like…you.

…And when that Amazon box happens to be an entire building, (for instance)…sometimes that takes even more time to wait for.


We’re not constructing cardboard boxes here. We aren’t filling bottles with Coke products on an assembly line that we can FedEx out to you tomorrow. These are two-ton and more dwellings. They are made by hand. From wood. Cut from a tree. In a forest. And shipped here. To our warehouse. Where we then re-load it. And drive it out to you. And a contractor stands outside all day long. In the rain, and/or snow. To build it. With their hands. For you.


And when you have 549 orders on the books…and 7 contractors…that takes MORE time.

…If you can see what I’m saying.

…Which I’m frankly starting to think would be a bloody miracle, as seemingly not one of our customers seem to be able to.

We have 549 suns who all want individual orbits according to their own laws of physics, time, place and schedule.

Which is not possible. Ask anyone.

…So this is what I’d like to call an open letter to the customers of the world. (Most especially mine, but even your average restaurant-patron will do.)

Dear (Enter Your Name Here),

We know you bought this thing. We know you want it now. But your hotdog/dvd/motorcycle/carpet/computer/garage/Hummer/imported-cigar doesn’t grow on trees. (And even if it does, it still needs to be cut down or picked by someone first.) Someone has to cook/package/build/make/deliver this item to you. This takes “time.” “Time” is this thing which requires scheduling. A schedule, means booking product-per-customer. A customer is one of many people…who also have schedules and times…and…(not to blow your mind here)… but prob’ly customers of their OWN who have times and schedules, as well.

…Taking this into consideration: you all are just going to have to man-up like a 5-year-old, and wait in line, like everyone else. Stop pissing your pants with rage-fits. Be responsible enough to pre-plan your potty visits NOW. And when I tell you our lead times are 4 weeks out, when you tell me you want to “hold it for a couple of weeks”…consider that the equivalent of: “Do you have to go to the bathroom now? Cuz the next rest stop isn’t until: ___.”

If your child can do this, I have full confidence that you can to.


A Contract-Processing Representative, in the Building Industry


Dear SWAL 3.0

31 Jan


Welcome back to Dear SWAL…our monthly installment of where Marty fwds me her Customer Service woes and I answer them the way we would all want to, if it wouldn’t get us fired by doing so. For last month’s episode, click here. For the rest of us, let’s move on to a review of a common problem: Blatant Customer Stupidity, or BCS.

…A lot of us who deal with BCS on a daily basis, have figured out a variety of trouble shooting exercises and go-tos that can help, when their common sense has all but failed them. But sometimes, you’ll get someone in such an advanced stage of BCS that even the tried-and-true tricks of the trade are beyond their capabilities. And sometimes those people aren’t even customers really, their whole purpose is to review your product and write about it. These people are called just plain BS’s. (Conveniently this abbreviation works for both the placeholder of what they are AND what they DO, for a living.) And this is Marty’s exchange (in edit form) with them.

…SWAL’S comments are bolded for your convenience.


BS: I’d be interested in checking out a review copy of “X” so at least I’d know how to promote your new book…I doubt I’ll make it to your top ten list on this promotion. Since I haven’t started a list of my own yet. But, I do get over 1,800 visitors a day…so, I may be able to sell a few.

Thank you for the heads up about this


Marty: The first link is for the sign up and the second is to an affiliate copy of the program

(Link 1) (Link 2)

Login: “login”

Password: “password”

~ M


SWAL: …So far, so good…


BS: Oh, you’re such a tease. (SWAL: Uh, what??) If you didn’t want to send me a review copy why did you bother sending me this e-mail? (SWAL: She fucking sent you a link. TO THE COPY.) Clicked your first link and signed up, fine, I went through your first hoop like a trained puppy dog. (SWAL: Ummm…) Second link, put the e-mail and the password in you sent me and NOTHING! NOT-A. A waist of time.

…So, I’ll tell you what. If you’d like for me to get the review copy so I can promote the book then jump through the hoops for me and the download link should end up in my e-mail box. (SWAL: Woa buddy, excuse me?!) Or better yet just send me a download link and not waist each others time with this busy work non productive stuff.

~ BS


SWAL: …Oh HELL no…!


Marty: I am very sorry but when I click on that link and type in the below, I get logged into the program no problem. What problems did you have? There is no need to be rude, I will help you.

login: “login”
password: “password”

~ M

BS: Hey, I apologize, I didn’t mean to sound rude! (SWAL: Coulda fuckin’ fooled me.) I’m just frustrated now. My e-mail address is (“his personal email”) Right? The password you give me was (“password”) Right? It still doesn’t work for me. So, when I click lost password it says there is no such e-mail address in your data base or something along that line.

…I’m really getting tired of playing around with something so simple yet still won’t work for me. (SWAL: **facepalm**) Can you just send me a download link PLEASE? I don’t know what else to do.

~ BS

Marty: I am very sorry for any confusion, but I now see what the problem is. You need to use the login I gave you, as well. The (“login”) login.

login: “login”
password: “password”

~ M


SWAL: Its one thing when you “hear” something and mix it up so can’t follow it properly…but when the fucker is IN TYPE, what is your excuse then??)


BS: I know we are both speaking English here, (SWAL: ARE you though? ARE you?) maybe I’m just too stupid to do this… (SWAL: Well, OBVIOUSLY. Yes.) …but when I click login: and login…It takes me to a screen to write an e-mail. Is that what you want before you send me a download link? An e-mail with the password you gave me? Well here you go: “Account” (SWAL: **Double facepalm**)

…Now, it may be on my end (SWAL: Yuh think?!) …but, we are having a really bad misunderstanding of each other here. (SWAL: Only YOU, buddy, she understands you perfectly. Unfortunately.) All I asked for was a download link for the preview of this book so I could read it to get the jest of this book to know how to promote it without making promises to my readers the book won’t fulfill. Saving us both refunds and hurting our rankings in clickbank. (SWAL: And I believe that is exactly what she did.)

No other marketer has made me jump through this many hoops to promote their book before. (SWAL: What is with the fucking “hoops” crap?!) I’m confused and frustrated now. Skip the password stuff and PLEASE just send me a download link because I’m tired of these games where I’m on the losing end. (SWAL: She can only help your incompetence so far, pal…) …Maybe you’re getting paid to play e-mail tag but, I’m NOT. The time I’ve spent in our correspondence with this issue could have been spent writing a blog post promoting something else. (SWAL: And based on your performance here, no doubt with efficiency and intelligent, educated judgement.)

I’ll tell you what, if you can make your link work for you and the password work for you (which it doesn’t for me) I’ve tried it. Do me a favor and do it with using my e-mail address…
(SWAL: **Triple facepalm.** Have run out of faces and palms and am now borrowing other people’s.) …and I should see the download link in my e-mail box.

…One thing for sure is my blog readers will ask for a refund before they go through this much hassle to get a download. (SWAL: I would hope your blog readers are smarter then this, but then if they follow your blog, we can only hold out so much hope.) … And I’ve never had a return so far and don’t want to start now.

My goal of this e-mail was to be a simple thank you note to express my appreciation to you for even bothering to deal with me (SWAL: As well it SHOULD be.) …and say I got the download link and I was able to read the book now.

…But instead I have to admit I’m a stupid asshole that had to bug you again still without a clue what the heck I’m suppose to do to get a review copy. (SWAL: JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS! ) Oh sure I could have just said still can’t get the book to download for me (but where’s the fun in that?) I never made it to a download page to begin with. (SWAL: HOW?! HOW?! HOW can you STILL not figure it OUT?!) …And I’m not known for short and sweet anyway. I hope I didn’t sound too bitter or offensive with my comments here though.

Your Frustrated Buddy,

~ BS


SWAL: Dear Lord…how does she DEAL with this shit…


Marty: Am very sorry if any of this isn’t clear and will do my best to make it more clear. Apologies

Please click on this link


That link should take you to a page where you are asked to type in a login and password. For the login please type: (“Login.”) For the password please type: (“Password.”) Do not type in your own personal email for the login. Please use the login and password I have given you.

I cannot send you a download of the book to read because we don’t have a direct download link for the book. The book is separated into modules and we do not have a link for all the material that we can give out right now. I hope those instructions are clear.

~ M


…And he was never heard from again.

That concludes this month’s edition of Dear SWAL. Here’s hoping all our retail friends in Customer Service, here and abroad, have less BCS and BS’s in their lives this month. And if not: at least you now know: you ain’t alone.


Dear SWAL 2.0

26 Dec


It’s time for our monthly dose of Dear SWAL letters, with special thanks to Marty for passing the questions on from her working establishment. For our last installment, visit here.  For the rest of us, lets launch right in to the problems and solutions of the masses NOT in matters of sex, tech, and relationship circumstances, as per usual…but with special emphasis (this time of year) on customer service.

…These are the kind of things we retail workers of the world would LIKE to answer you, if only we wouldn’t get fired for it:


Question: “jesus h christ…this mole goes on for ages and says absolutley nuffinn…just the the blokes on here……how can someone waffle on for sooooo long and not say one thing that is worth even 2 cents?”

Answer: “lord love a duck…Welcome to the world of dating, friend. Better get used to it.”


Question: “I do not understand the instructions on downloading. I do NOT have kindle. I do NOT have facebook. Only Windows XP on Microsoft. Could you please email me EASY to install instructions for reading this ebook.”

Answer: “You mean easier than the ones in the highlighted box next to the order screen that says: ‘You don’t need a Kindle to read the book. You can download the Kindle reader for your cell phone, tablet or computer or you can read the book in the “cloud reader” on Amazon, so there’s really nothing holding you back.’?”


Question: “How the fuck u.got my email address nd got into my.inbox ya sneaky fucj.”

Answer: “It’s this whole magical thing where, when you order something, we get your info so we know where to send it. Ya mindless idiot.”



Answer: “IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE STUFF, BUY OUR SHIT. (Consider the nail, “hit.”)”


Comment: “Don’t waste your time sending me further crap regarding the devil species known as women. I have a dog that is better then any woman could be. I was curious about what you had to say but why bother when women are at best a distraction. I still love them but only on the porn sites as they are not much good for anything else.”

Answer: “This devil species member has duly noted your comments and cancelled your order. I feel compelled to tell you, however, that bestiality is still illegal in most countries, and frankly: your resolved abstinence elsewhere only saves the world at large from a hugely horrific task of having to copulate or accidentally breed your specimen of humanity any further. Have a nice day.”



Answer: “Sorry you got dumped. Here’s a coupon for free chocolate.”



Comment: “my name is Prince Williams I have worked with three different spell casters on internet and i got no result…when i asked them for refund, they never replied to my mails again and it got worst when threaten to reveal all i asked for and let the one i wanted to cast the spell on knows about it too…While i was working with him, i was as well working with another and the other did not lie to me…only God has saved me from that.if you want to save yourself from all this contact Dr B he helped me with my spell.: and he will give you the help you ever wished for.”

Answer: “Dear Prince Wills: Though it may feel like it, we are not at this time casting spells to aid in relationship advice. We thought we’d try the old fashioned way of reasoning and communication, first. We are also unable to accept solicitations, specifically centering around the dark arts. We will gladly tackle a hydrogen bomb break-up, but not with the use of crippling voodoo, free-will eradication, and/or smelly potions. Sincerely, SWAL.”


Comment: “Get a rael suger mummy ,suger daddy,lesbiance sexys.in all conutry that are ready to pay any amount to an indevidual in 30 mins that can also last fore bed or sexualy vibrant. that can help you in all aspect of life,they can as well take you to travel art or to work in any company of your choice in the world.they are avalible now in…abuja…in lagose … in portac…in uk…in nigeria…try as much as posaible to grab one them to mark your history.”

Answer: “We are not currently in the market for sex trafficking, organized slave-trade, or peeing on people to mark our territory. Even for our ‘art.’ So kindly fuck off. Thank you.”


…More Dear SWAL next month, and until then: back to our regular programming…including tomorrow’s (prob’ly slightly hysterical) review on tonight’s “Les Mis” attendance…for which I am so exited, I could just pee!


I’ll Auto-Pay Your Face!

5 Nov


This new everything digital world really blows, a lot of the time.  And where it blows most is when your money is involved.

…’Member when it was bill-paying time, and you’d sit down with your check book and balance everything, and categorize all the bills in date order, and start John Hancocking until your hand would start to cramp and the ink on your pen would go out?  And ‘member how then you’d send them all out into the world, where based on postage times and then check holding, you knew you could easily buy yourself a grace-period of say 3-5 days, wherein even if the money wasn’t in your account now, it would be by then, and yet it wouldn’t be seen as a “late payment,” because the date on your check was within the window of time, and it wasn’t your problem that snail mail and lazy tellers were holding the money back from where it needed to be, cuz by that point, your job was already done?

…I fucking miss that.

…Now everything is automatic and instant.  There is no grace at all. In the period of time that you pop your tire, and need to buy a replacement NOW, (even being obviously unplanned and not in your budget), instant deduction is merciless.  Even the 75 cent candy bar at the gas station, comes out of your account before you’ve even opened the foil on the wrapper.

…And they try to sell this “automatic” world of deductions to us, like it’s a GOOD thing.  Like we will never have to worry about anything ever again, simply because our money is in their hands, and we can feel free to go whole months at a time without so much as seeing a literal penny of it. 

…Money is now, just a code of numbers to our banks and bill services.  It is nothing tangible and what little control we once had if it, is almost completely depleted now with the advent of “Automatic Bill Pay.”

I fucking HATE it.

…First of all…I don’t have student loans or a credit card, and yet I am so fixed on my income that I need to have total control of every dime at all times.  I do not live in a financial world wherein you can just suck pockets of money from my account anytime between the 1st and the 5th, or 15th and 22nd at random, for amounts that constantly change due to service use, and/or emergency non-budgeted needs…like a popped tire, for instance.

…I cannot have you just deducting things at your whim.  And I tell the bill-people this…because you HAVE to tell them it now, or–in keeping with the theme–they automatically enroll you in it.

I was put on hold for 54 minutes this morning to fight about just this, after checking my account balance.  Finally getting a human person, their mind was blown that I was upset for having to wait so long, and that they were moving my money without permission.

…$50, now gone.

Me: Who said you could auto-deduct the $50?

Them: Its automated process now. We just do.

Me: Not my money, you don’t. I already had this conversation last month, with some other guy at your location. You should listen to the recording of the conversation –that I know you have due to the fact you declared you were doing it at the beginning of this one.

Them: Well, we sent you a contract in the mail stating the terms agreed on in the conversation.

Me: Right, and nowhere on there did it say “automatic.” In fact I was very specific on that.

Them: Only twice at the beginning, of your recording, but at the end when he said–

Me: –Twice. Twice I stated it. So stop the auto-pay.

Them: …But in the letter we sent you, we indicated that the payments would be set up in this way.

Me: Which disregards my entire conversation with him?

Them: Per the terms in the letter–

Me: –Look, I didn’t sign any letter agreement–

Them: You don’t need to sign it. It is a paper copy of the original agreement made.

Me: It is not, or it would say that I distinctly mentioned it TWICE in the phone call NOT to auto-pay. Under ANY circumstance. My authorization was verbal then, and it’s verbal now…and recorded. Take the auto-pay off now!

Them: There’s no need to get upset ma’am…

Me: No?! You don’t think so?

Them: We can rearrange the agreement.

Me: We can put the agreement back where it was before you “rearranged” it to begin with, in that when the bill is due: I will pay it, with the several options of payment method allowed to me — up to and including a check –and not at any time involving you, sucking the money out of my account without my authorization. You got all that?

Them: Cancelling auto-payment. Yes.

…Look. I know it’s this chick’s job, on behalf of her company, to suck us all dry and stupid once a month with “procedure” and “contract negotiations.” I get that. But it doesn’t mean that knowledge will keep me from being pissed off about it, and — yes — even taking it out on her, because she happens to be good at being conniving. If she wants a pat on the back for her talents in this, she should look to her boss.

…I am going to take it personally when it is made personal, and I won’t feel even a little bit bad about being a dick to people, when it seems to be the only way to communicate with them. And I gotta say, what really is not helping them (in this world of “automated absolutely everything”) is being put on hold for nearly an hour by a machine, so you’ve been stewing already, and are pissed off ten times what you were before you even called to begin with, before a live human actually picks up the phone.

This is my statement to the financial world as a whole:

If you touch my shit without permission: I go all Lorena Bobbitt on you. That happens to be MY “automated process.” M’kay?


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