Tag Archives: building

Drunken Wassalings & IKEA Breakdowns

18 Nov


Today I crossed over into Christmas music at the office. 

…The WHS Pimp made fun of it, immediately, by asking what he ever did to me in life to deserve this. I said something along the lines of, “It’s supposed to make us all jolly and shit, so stop fighting my efforts and be joyful, dammit!”

…Course this was before my first cup of coffee. Were he to ask the same question now, I would have answered that totally differently. Like, without the exclamation mark.

…Not that he can ask me again right now anyway, as he is currently at the dental surgeon’s for pre-op extraction work. Which is gonna be super awesome just before Thanksgiving.

…I’m sure they can throw all the dinner fixins into the blender and make it slurpable for him, somehow. That is, if he is able to work his mouth and keep from drooling by then. It’s like half his face they are taking out…so I’m sure he’ll be shot and doped up pretty good through the whole holiday. And even if he isn’t, he’ll only have about three teeth to chew the food with anyway…so, might as well call it a day on that one.

…Which reminds me that I’ve put off MY dental surgery to take out my (yes still present) wisdom teeth…and I should schedule that sometime before bad things start happening and they have to take half my face out too. Luckily, I am busy being a Beaver right now, so can’t book it until later anyway. Even if I do feel guilty about putting it off again. And paranoid.

…Instead, I’m gonna think about something else. So I don’t start giving myself an anxiety attack…

Listen to this:

My friend Bubba and I used to pop in Christmas music the day after Halloween.

…We’d blare it, and sing it really loudly (even at stoplights), wherever we went. And it was awesome. Especially the Dean Martin songs. Cuz he always sounds three-fucking-sheets-to-the-wind. We two never COULD come to agreement on whether he actually WAS wasted all the time, or just “pretending” to be…but either way, slurring a Christmas song about Rudolph is somehow more hilarious than just about anything. You should try it sometime. Cuz, I gotta tell yuh, Those were the BEST sing-alongs, EVER.

…We made a game of trying to play up the wasted angle even more than he did. (Which is NOT an easy thing to do.) And yet surprisingly, never ONCE got pulled over on suspected D.U.I charges while hurling down the freeway, for reasons that I will never know.

In Other Happenings:

This weekend I spent far too much time in the black hole that is IKEA again.

…The first day, I bought nothing. But I came home, (like I always do from IKEA) with an overwhelming knowledge that all my stuff could look ten times better than it currently does, and WOULD, if I bought everything in IKEA.

…All of it.

Look: I realize it ain’t the highest quality. I get that it is almost as far from “Designer” anything, as you can get. But it is SO FUCKING ORGANIZED that it makes the OCD side of me want to marry it and have it’s compacted-muti-user-functionability-fold-away babies.

…Unfortunately for me…I got home at around 10 pm, from that trip…and INSTANTLY knew I needed to rearrange my entire living space immediately, while the ideas were still fresh in my brains.

…Which ended up with me sitting in the middle of the floor in the living room (the only open 2 foot surface in my entire house by that point) at 3 am, near to sobbing. Because I have a tiny, tiny apartment, and everything just fits, one way, and trying to relocate or change it up made the entire main room look like a bomb had gone off. I was totally exhausted, and frustrated, but there was NO WAY my OCD self would be able to just “go to sleep and work on it tomorrow,” and I knew this, becoming totally overwhelmed.

Coming up with an Emergency game-plan, I decided that ultimately, I might not be able to sleep with shit strewn all over every room, but for some reason…if I condensed and piled it all in the kitchen and closed the curtain t’ween it and the rest of the house…so I wouldn’t have to see it making nonsense out of every OTHER room…it would be okay.

I still don’t know why that addendum law “worked” for me, but it seemed to, so I did it, and got up the next day to sail off for IKEA again, and get the crap I needed to “fix” all the resulting problems I had made myself, the night before.

…This then resulted in spending something like four hours building things with fake tools, yesterday….trying to interpret the little pictures that no longer are accompanied with directions in any language at all. (Which I guess were always pointless, really…as none of the directions were ever in English to begin with. But, still…)

…A fifteen page booklet, with 350 screws, nuts, and thing-a-ma-gees, you’ve never seen before, splayed out across the entire living room…so you can put this simple bookcase together, takes a surprising amount of time, when literally done: stick-by-stick.

The result, (by 2 am THIS morning) was something I could ultimately view and not nut up about. A reorganization and reallocation of stuffs which had been in the same original floor plan since the day I moved in…six years ago.

…This morning, I checked on the front room, “just to be sure.”

…OCD people have to do things like that. “Check,” I mean. It’s like feng shui, on crack. If (for whatever thousand reasons) it doesn’t “fit right” in your brain when taking in the visual of a thing, then you HAVE to fix it. ESPECIALLY when it is the place you live. Otherwise it’s like an itch you can’t scratch that will eventually end up driving you fucking crazy.

…Considering, of course, that you haven’t driven yourself there all on your own…cuz you’ve only gotten five hours of sleep in two days, obsessing over it all, to begin with.

Either way: It is almost fully settled now. A few more swaps of book stacks are still ahead, but by and large…”home” feels like “home” again. A thing my bloodshot eyes are TOTALLY thankful for.

…Meanwhile, if you ever hear me so much as make slight hints at an IKEA trip again…anytime in the near future…I charge you with the full accountability to slap me as hard as you can, point a finger in my face and say: “NO!”

I can almost promise that I will listen.

…And, eventually, thank you for saving me.


Fuzzy Wood

19 Jul


So this is our current biggest problem at the brothel: fuzzy wood.

…No, it’s okay, it’s been a shit-week…by all means, read it again and giggle like a teenage boy all you want.

…Anyway…fuzzy wood is a kinder way of saying “mold and mildew.”  It happens because our kits are cut and pre-packaged, still green, on the east coast.  For those not in the industry, that means unseasoned…basically butchered before the last signs of breath were even completed, and wrapped up in a giant plastic condom with other still gasping, mostly dead pieces of wood, and put on a truck, then a train, then another truck…west-bound (to the lumber capitol of the entire fucking world.)

Why do we do it this way?

In the words of our multi-millionaire Corporate President: “Because.”

…Now, due to the temperature changes, these babies basically humidify themselves with a good claustrophobic self-steam, and arrive in our yard to sit anywhere from 30 seconds to 3 months, depending on the current kit demand.  For the shorter-lived stock, the seal is broken and built before any compromises can take place.  For the more seasonal goods, this can be a problem.

…Say, for instance: a playset.

There are two times per year where the market for these $2K -$4K systems are sold: Christmas and Summer.  Our company will only build these kits on demand based on territory sales specs, the previous year, along with our open order manifest. However, upon occasion we will get a cancellation, and thus turn into a holding-house for said already ordered and shipped kits.  Sometimes we will get several cancellations: thus, several kits.  Kits which have lived in our warehouse now for just over 7 months to date. 

…Problem is: because we technically have these kits, Corporate will not allow us to order new ones until the old ones have been sent out.  Only we over produced these sets last Holiday season, so were shipped more than we needed to begin with…then with added snow storms, got more cancellations than average.

…In short: we currently have dozens and dozens of sealed sets of wood, happily growing their own little eco-systems in the back of our warehouse, snugly tucked in the top corner of the Pacific NW.

…Which is what we found out directly after this last sales ad just hit.

Over $33,000 in playsets have been sold this month, and every cocking one of them we open, looks like it was bundled in a rainforest.  And BECAUSE Corporate is so very on point with things like communication, we have no time to prep the kits before the ads hit, as we had no idea which ads for which systems would be done at which time. 

…Prepping these kits basically requires breaking the condom, laying out each individual piece in the yard, spraying it down with a wood treatment wash, giving it a good scrub, and letting it bake like a flat of grapes in the direct sun. Only we are currently simultaneously receiving two to three containers of build  product every seven days, loading up to 11 builders per day, and erecting around 34 structures per week.  One single playset kit, being prepped for build, takes up about 1/4th of our yard space…and we had 3 to build, just this week, alone.

Mathematically, it just can’t be done. 

…Any idiot can see that.

But we work with a special brand of idiots, who don’t seem to understand that.

Which is why the WHS Pimp and I have been consistently yelled at all week long, due to corporate promises, trying to accommodate parents wanting their kids’ new toy NOW, but being asked to wait for a two to three week build date.  No matter of explanation we give them seems to satisfy their outrage.  It is somewhat understandable due to the fact that said kids in the Pac NW only GET about three weeks of good summer weather to begin with, but short of erecting a wooden chia pet in their backyard, I don’t know what the fuck they expect us to do about it.

In the end: people can only achieve what time, room, shipping schedules and weather can permit.  We are not wizards.  And we are dealing with a still-breathing commodity that was basically still growing in a forest less than nine months ago.

…And this is all to say (after a truly grueling and especially bitchy week of phones and contract work) what I never ever thought I voluntarily would, after 13 years of living here:  I wish it would put us all out of our misery, and just…freakin’…RAIN.


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