Tag Archives: agatha christie

Our Casual Reader

25 Sep

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One of m’favorite bonus reports in WordPress stats, is the search engine results section where it tells you how people outside of the network or Facebook, have found your blog.  Sometimes they make me straight up laugh out loud.  And then, kinda feel bad.  Because I’m betting that what they THOUGHT they were getting as they clicked on my link, and what they ACTUALLY got were so grossly different that they were too pissed to even smile about it.

…Maybe.

…Or, maybe they are now subscribed readers, who only stay with me because I’m exactly as twisted as they were hoping for when they started their google search that one day.  There is no real way to be sure. But here are a few of my particular favorites used in finding SWAL.  (And my theories on the true purposes they were up to, when they pressed the “search” button.) They are in no particular order.  And their spelling et al, are as entered.

* “Snuggle Pinup”
(Pics of women in underwear hugging the Snuggle Soft bear from those one commercials.  Possibly has a stuffed animal fetish.)

* “Spandex”
(They just bought a “How To Make Your Own Superhero Suit” book, and need to order material in bulk.)

* “She coffee yes”
(A Dom’s “sub,” trying to find the closest coffee cart in the vicinity, while she is mid-whipping him, demanding he get her some caffeine immediately.)

* “I love not camping”
(They just heard a friend’s horror story of THEIR trip, and wanted to plant a meme on FB about how awesome it is to not be them.)

* “Girl pees for ass”
(A golden shower/butt man.  Boy was he disappointed when he clicked the link.)

* “Weight lifting wedding cake toppers”
(A tiny figurine wherein the Bride is bench-pressing the Groom. And I bet they eventually found one.)

* “Sexy lady flagellation”
(Pictures of naughty nuns, undergoing self discipline.)

* “Dame Wars”
(Possibly looking for spoof Mexican Fighting videos wherein Helen Mirren, Judi Dench and Maggie Smith take turns beating the shit out of one another.  Hold on. I’m gonna go google that too…it sounds awesome.)

* “End of an era young and restless”
(Fan sites with posting boards where people can wail in type about the loss of their whole noon-day purpose in life. They are now one of my most avid readers.)

* “She was too fucked up in her head”
(Clearly looking for a song lyric. That one about a psycho ex-girlfriend. They are STILL trying to narrow the search down right now, from 50 billion results.)

* “Gigolo want for wife”
(An Italian man is trying to get an American Visa the old fashioned way. I tried to reply once, but I don’t have enough funds to keep him in the living style to which he wants to be accustomed.)

* “Sneezing + feet fetish”
(Searching for a very specific fetish group wherein members sit around snurfing things up their noses to induce sneezing while taking turns painting each other’s toenails.)

* “Dorothy Parker love snarks”
(Whoever they are, I want them to woo me. But they are too busy making fun of wooing to do it.)

* “Cooking torture”
(S&M techniques involving hot frying pans, searing oils, how to convert onion layers into contact lenses, and various uses for wasabi and ghost chilies.)

* “Sally Field Audrey Hepburn lesbian”
(A severely specific fetish group – containing only the one member – looking for anyone…anyone…ANYONE who might like to share in their fan fiction delights.)

* “Consumer fury”
(Super stressed-out YouTubes of customers just letting it rip on weeping sales clerks, as caught on camera phone. Because they just lived that frustration and need to acknowledge it before they accidentally explode and do it for real.)

* “Agatha christie & then there were nun murder mystery”
(The well known cult fan fiction retelling of all Agatha Christie murder mysteries relocated in convent setting, featuring an array of postulents, novices and Mother Superiors from different orders. + Spoiler alert: the “Priest” always “did it.”)

* “50th kitchen pin ups”
(Remember that movie about all those older women in Yorkshire who got together, took off their clothes, and did a naked picture calendar to raise funds for a Hospital? It’s like that. Only themed around cooking and kitchen utensils.)

* “Sad flagger”
(That one website with pictures of depressed and zombiefied road workers, taken by motorists waiting in the line-up, via their cellphones.)

* “I’m crying out, loud loud to my father, cos he only knows”
(That beat rapper poem. You know. The one about crying. Out loud. Out loud. Cos my Father? HE knows!)

* “Happy Birthday fucked up”
(Some dude wants to throw his buddy a BD party, but wants that shit to come unglued…even more than those “Girls Gone Wild” bus parties. Otherwise he woulda typed, “Happy Birthday Co-ed Boobs”)

* “Pin up fruit seller”
(A foodie who likes to enact Adam & Eve scenarios in the bedroom. “Apples for sale, sir…penny a bite”)

…And all these sick-twisted people somehow managed to find this blog. Pretty wondrous, ain’t it?

Am so proud, my buttons are popping.

~D

Agatha Christie In Spandex

27 Aug

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You know how Weddings are always stress-balls of mishaps and near disasters, full of bossy in-laws and too many opinions being given without request, and sugar-high flower girls, and drunken Uncles hitting on the food servers, and Bridezillas weeping mascara down their faces?

…And you know how some people are smart and manage to avoid all that?  It just seems cruel to me that m’friend “M” actually made the smart choice decision to circumvent it, then ended up in the middle of it anyway, by being outvoted by The Moms’ feeling they got the shaft in orchestrating general Wedding splendiferousness.

For more of “M’s” story, read here…but for the rest of us, lets pick up where we left off: which is she and “K.L.” (the already hubby), enroute to a giant congregation of family, in-prep for this very fine occasion.  Which apparently had nothing at all to do with “M” or “K.L.”

“Can I help with the –”

“–No, it’s fine.”

“Should I pick out the –”

“We got you the sparkle ones.  You’ll love it.”

“I’d really like flowers that –”

“Honey, don’t worry about it.  I know a woman who knows a woman.”

“But what about –”

“Don’t worry.  It’s covered.”

…For an entire week that “M” had booked in order to put together the Wedding, she sat around doing nothing because no one would let her.  Not pick out the table cloths, or work on decorations…not select the food or taste cake samples.  She couldn’t drive and pick things up, run any errands, sort seating arrangements, talk about ceremony inclusions, or make any decisions in the least.  She was told over and over again that this was, “for her own sake.”  Because it was “very important that she not feel like a total stressed-out wreck.”  But because she had no decision-making power or weigh-in on presentation, taste or selection…by end of the week, she was turning into a total stressed-out wreck.  She did manage to rally though, once the day finally arrived, put her “game face” on, bit her lip, and give one of the best performances of her life.  And she’s a really good Actor…so this is really saying something.

…There were only two requests she had managed to get through to the “powers that be” in any of the decision-making that was had, leading up to the day.  One was that the family Fart Fairy would be invited as a special guest of honor, and the other was that the cake be Super Hero themed with toppers of a The Hulk and Miss Marvel.

To explain the above requires a step back into “M’s” childhood, and the understanding that they are giant comic book nerds…but even the former had to be explained to me when we met over take-out and wine to swap keys and catch up.

M: “…So at least the Fart Fairy was there. I woulda been pissed if she wasn’t. I wrote her a formal invitation and everything.”

Me: ” Wait, sorry, who?”

M: ” The Fart Fairy.*  I’ve told you about her…”

(I shake my head with eyes wide in wonder.)

M: “…Yeah, I mean she goes way back.  She’s even the topper to our Christmas tree every year, and when we go on trips and things, sometimes we take her with us and she’ll be in the pictures. You know, like — ‘The Fart Fairy goes camping.’ Or, “The Fart Fairy in Scotland.”

Me: “So…she’s like a doll then?”

M: “Yeah.  From when we were kids.”

Me: “So…you invented her.”

M: “No.  She’s a whole ‘thing.’ The first time I heard about her, we were all in the car on a road trip — Mom, Dad, my Brother, Sister and Me, and within this really short amount of time we had each just let one rip and the whole car was just full of farts, and someone said, ‘Wooo wee! That’s a lotta blessings from the Fart Fairy!”

Me: “…So every time you fart–”

M: “–She’s blessing you.  Yes.”

(“M” takes a giant bite of food and talks on.)

M: “…And then we started talking about her so much that I decided I’d make a doll, like in her honor? So I did.  In Girl Scouts.  You know, the one where you hafta make a doll for this patch?  They said it was ‘inappropriate.’ I still don’t know why.  But when I brought her home, everyone loved her.  Even though she was kinda jacked up with an arm like this and a shorter one here…and sorta lopsided.”

(I nod my head with eyes wide.)

M: “But for a long time, she was the only one we had.  Then I made a new one finally.  And she’s been everywhere.  Family vacations and road trips and all that.  So I was really mad when my Sister got married and I saw the guest list and I was all, “Wait!  Where’s the Fart Fairy?!” And she gave me this look and said, “Yeah, I’m not sending an invitation to a doll.”  And I said, “Why not?!” And she didn’t answer me.  Then my Brother did the same thing when he got married.  So I told “K.L.” that I refused to forsake her like everyone else, so I wrote out a formal invitation and everything.

Me:  “Did she come?”

(“M” smiles a grin so wide that some of the food falls out.)

M: “Even better.  Just before the ceremony, they made like a kidnap scenario, and my Niece and Nephew…dressed up like Miss Marvel and the Hulk…went off to rescue her.  And she was a guest of honor afterward and everything.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

M: “…Which was almost the only thing that went ‘right’ the entire Wedding. Even the flowers were mostly plastic. $400.00 of MOSTLY plastic flowers.”

Me: “Wait.  But what about the cake?”

(“M” does a giant eye roll and takes another bite.)

M: “Just everybody was laughing about it.  And not in an awesome way.”

Me: “Why?”

M: (Giant sigh.) “Well…you know how The Hulk and Miss Marvel are our favorites.”

Me: “Yeah.”

M: “So, we asked that we have a double tiered square cake with one being purple, the other yellow and The Hulk and Miss Marvel for cake toppers.”

Me: “Ok. ”

(Long beat as she takes another bite.)

Me: “So, they made fun of it for that?”

M: “Um, no.  Because THAT would have been ‘awesome.’  They made fun of it, because what we got was a WHITE cake with these little YELLOW flowers plopped all over it, and the cake toppers were all screwed up cuz she heard us wrong when we ordered it.”

(I take a giant bite of food.)

Me: “So what did you get?”

M: (Huge sigh.) “You know Agatha Christie, right?  Like Miss Marple?”

(I stop chewing and freeze.)

Me: (With mouthful.) Miss Marple.

M: “Yeah.”

Me: “Sure.”

(“M” takes another huge bite, shrugs, and starts to chew in depressed silence.)

Me: “Wait. No. Wait. So you’re saying they thought you said, ‘Miss Marple?”

(“M” nods.)

Me: “…And no one called to ‘clarify?'”

(“M” shakes her head.)

Me: (In morbid fascination.) “So…just to get this strait…you had a Wedding cake with the toppers of –”

M: “–The Hulk and Miss Marple. Yes.”

(I start to choke on food in my mouth, try to contain myself long enough to get rid of it, and by the time I’m done, tears are streaming down my cheeks. “M” just eats on, depressed.)

Me: “What did you do?”

M: “Well, there was nothing TO ‘do.’ I mean, no one had seen it until the reception. And then it was just like this wave of hysterics. But only from my side of the family. Cuz no one from ‘K.L.’s’ knows who she is. First my Mom went up, and lost it…then she called my sister over…so they were just…you know…’crying’…then more people came by. And then ‘K.L’s’ family starting getting mad cuz they didn’t ‘get’ it, so I had to explain, ‘It’s like Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote, only English, okay?!”

(I cry on and am I’m laughing too hard at this point to form full sentences.)

Me: “Wait…so…how does…everyone…know…that’s who …it was? I mean…how…could you…possibly…recognize Miss…Marple…just on…sight…like that?”

M: “Oh. It was obvious.”

(I laugh harder and start to snort. I am not a snorter, so she has invented an entirely new form of comic appreciation than I have ever in my life had before.)

M: “Hold on..I have a picture…”

(“M” signs in on my computer and starts sorting through pics rapidly as I hyperventilate in the corner.)

M: (As she clicks past photos.) “…And you know the really messed up part?”

(I shake my head and cry on.)

M: “They even got her colors right. I said, ‘The Hulk in green and purple and Miss Marvel in yellow and black.’ Here it is.

(I start to howl, hiccup, snort and cry.)**

M: “Yeah. I mean how fucked up is that? Right? I mean after I was done being all pissed, I started laughing too…cuz, what are you gonna do? There it is, just sitting there. And then it got hot and her little black shoes started to bleed all over the WHITE FROSTING…just black ink everywhere. I dunno. I dunno if anyone even ate any of it. I stuck to the cupcakes.”

Me: (Between sobs.) That’s prob’ly best. It could have dyed your mouth black for all the pictures and stuff.”

M: “Oh, it didn’t matter by then. ‘K.L’s’ cousin had already spilled his wine all down the front of my dress by that point. I had already given up. But at least the Fart Fairy came.”

Me: “Yes.”

(It is quiet for a piece, as I am finally able to pull myself together and attack my face with kleenex.)

M: “This is totally going in your blog. Isn’t it.”

Me: “Uh huh.”

M: (Shrug.) “Well…at least we’ll be famous.”

~D

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* The Fart Fairy in various escapades of practicing good bathroom habits, and getting drunk on vodka

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** The Wedding cake

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