Rose-Colored Chickens

10 Apr

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First off, I’m on three and a half hours of sleep going into Preview.  It’s only Thursday and I’ve been awake since 4 am, for no reason whatsoever…now at work trying to focus on reports spewing a buttload of new orders.

…WHS Pimp just wraps up an interview for a new contractor in his office, and we compare notes on the applicant, and how we seem to attract all the leavings at the bottom-most of the barrel when it comes to interviews…which begins a conversation that immediately launches me into laughing so hard that I’m ugly-face sobbing all over myself.

***

Me: …It’s like somewhere we have a secret sign posted stating: “All parolees, ex-cons, possible child molesters and general unsavories of questionable intellect: apply here.”

WHS Pimp:  I know. It’s really aggravating.  I try to have hope, and see the possibilities, but by the end we all know it won’t work.  It’s like that one time someone said, I need to just stop looking at the world through rose colored glasses…accept the brutal truth.

Me: And be a surly bastard like me. Yes.  It’ll save you lots of time.

(Long pause.)

WHS Pimp: But you know what that means?

Me: Being a surly bastard?

WHS Pimp: No, the “rose colored glasses” bit. 

Me: Well, yeah.  “Looking on the bright side of things.”

WHS Pimp: I never knew that. 

Me: Seriously?!

WHS Pimp: No, yeah.  Never heard it before.  So I looked it up.  But you know what the actual “source” is…where it comes from?

Me: No idea.

WHS Pimp:  It’s like these tiny tinted glasses that fit on the beaks of chickens…

(I immediately stop what I’m doing and look at him.)

WHS Pimp: …It stops cannibalism or something…but its also cuz, apparently, it’s the sight of blood that freaks them all out when you go to, you know, cut their heads off…

(I start to get the tired giggles that comes so hard and fast that I double over in my chair from stomach contractions. He just blinks and watches.)

WHS Pimp: …Yeah, so they put these little sunglasses on them, while they wait their turn, and they just stand there without freaking out.

(I’m crying harder and can no longer breathe right.)

Me: There…is…no…way!!! There…is…no…way…that’s…a…real…thing…

WHS Pimp: No, yeah, it’s totally true. Look it up.

Me: (Gasping.) So…there’s just this yard full of decapitated chicken heads with sunglasses lying around, while all the other ones are standing around Stevie Wondering in ignorant bliss?

WHS Pimp: Well, no. Not now. That was back in like the 30’s and 40’s. Now, they prob’ly just lock ’em all in a cement casing and gas ’em to death.

Me: (Inappropriately crying harder.) So…we’ve gone from happy blind innocents to Holocaust??!

WHS Pimp: Basically, yes.

Me: Well fuck me if that ain’t irony.

WHS Pimp: Right? So anyway…now you know.

***

#Conversationsyoucantmakeupevenifyouwantedto.

~D

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