Dear Cuz…

4 Mar

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Okay, lets try this, “have a better week than it started out to be” thing again.

Today, is for my cousin…who just went into boot camp, for the Navy.  They said the first three weeks are the hardest…so I thought I’d write him something so stupid, it would make him super thankful to be around intelligent humans…even if they are all crammed together like sardines in a tin can.

…There is a  reason I don’t write letters to people, come to find out.  Because it just ends up like this:

***

Cuz~

I’m told you’re in want of something to look at other than the guy’s head in front of you during drills.  So here is a note.  I guess you could say, “letter,” but that sounds like it should contain some actual main-idea theme or something…of which I have none.  I’m pretty plotless.  Also, I don’t really write letters.  I write blogs.  These are also mostly about nothing. And food.

…Which is prob’ly not too great to hear about, from boot camp.

…Although, maybe that’s just the Army kind.

Grandpa was a cook in the Navy, and his grub was aces.  Sure, Grandma actually did all the cooking back when WE ate it, but the recipes were still his…made in giant pots…to feed all of us, plus the 500 other ghost people also invited to dinner.  I guess he never figured out how to cut the servings down to the normal “family size” portions.

…Which is weird.  As Grandpa was ALWAYS puttering with math equations at the kitchen table.  Remember that? You’d think at some point he’d have put it to use with fractioning out the food stuffs…but I guess he was too busy doing all the really important math things…like calculating what day of the week your birthday would be on, in 2085.

…You know, so you could plan ahead for vacations and things.

(My answer: Tuesday.  So, that sucks.)

…Anyway…this is all to say, that you come from a long line of traditions…in family, math, Navy and it’s food.  I guess that means you’re where you are supposed to be.

…Plus, becoming a Doctor and things.

…Which is super useful, not only in the real-world situation of you know…”helping people”…but also as it’s the first actual profession anyone has had at all in our family for like…well…ever, really.  People have had “careers,” sure…but it’s not the same.  For instance, I have PLAYED a Doctor, but I didn’t understand any of the lines I was saying, or how to use the instruments in my hands.

…This bothered me, cuz I am an Actor and my job is to study and learn these things.  So I tried to.  By watching ER and a bunch of 911 horror movies. 

…Only, I don’t deal with blood very well, so I wasn’t so much “learning,” as trying not to puke during the surgery scenes.  Till finally, I figured it would be better just not to look at all.  It’s surprising how much you DON’T learn about being a Doctor when you aren’t actually watching and things.

…In the end, I chose to just stand very authoritatively over my “patient,” with feet planted shoulder width apart, never taking my eye off the fake wound, demanding the instruments with extended hand, and speaking all the medical jargon very quickly, while waving my scalpel around a clump of cold spaghetti.

I saved no lives.  Not even fake ones.  I recommend NOT studying the same way I did.

…But then, you’re already halfway there on the whole medic-smarts thing.  Being an excellent tester is good too, and convenient.  I mean who gets cert’ed on first try out the gate?! Almost  NO ONE.  That’s like acing The Bar, bro.  Which you did!  Keep this up and you’ll have 12 letters after your name before age 30.  Which will make you sound not only SUPER official and smart, but also like a member of the British Aristocracy!

(YOUR NAME ), MD, PhD, OBE, CBE, GBE, LMNOP.

…That’s like a serious title, my friend.  And while you MAY have to print it at like 5 pitch to get it on a business card, and hand it out with a magnifying glass, that’s still an impressive amount of game to have been brought.  And you’d be board certified Internationally, everywhere! And prob’ly get full diplomatic immunities!

…Which means you could legally get away with just about anything.  Definitely parking tickets, anyway.  And those bastards are a pain in the ass, let me tell you, so it’s TOTALLY worth all this study NOW to set up a good future in that capacity, later.

Trust me.

Meanwhile, you begin at the beginning…like everyone has to…with 4 am wake-up calls, and endless turkey trot runs, and packs, crawling through mud, marching until your feet bleed, and drill sergeants screaming in your face…and your ears…and you everywhere else.  But , while this is all happening, remember: it’s for a good cause, a good future, and the ability to one day park almost anywhere. 

…TOTALLY worth it, Cuz!

Love yuh,

~D

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