Tech Murder

24 Feb

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Am eating a blob of potato salad out of a styrofoam coffee cup as a giant “fuck you!” and solace to my Monday morning.

…The damn computer kept glitching, and freezing all through the open order and morning report-running process, so I’ve spent the last three hours cussing at it and overly clicking my mouse.

Me: (click, click, click) WORK YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF TECH-SHIT!

Computer: (thinky wheel)

Me: (clickety click-click) I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS CRAP!

Computer: (thinky wheel, ongoing)

Me: (click, click-click-click) YOU HAD OFF ALL WEEKEND. YOU’VE BEEN DORMANT FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS! I CAN’T EVEN GET FIFTEEN DEDICATED SECONDS OF CONCENTRATION NOW?! WTF!

Computer: “Activation Fail.”

Me: (click, click, click, click) REALLY?!  REALLY?! YOU CAN’T EVEN OPEN A GODDAMN WEBPAGE?!

Computer: “Please contact your webmaster or administrator.”

Me: (click, clickity, click-click) WELL, I’D LOVE TO. BUT THEY NEVER PICK UP THEIR GODDAMN PHONES OVER THERE. SO IT’S YOU AND ME, PAL. YOU. AND ME! THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN EITHER THE HARD WAY OR THE HARDER WAY! YOU PICK!!

Computer: (thinky wheel)

Me: (clickty-clickty-clickity click, click) YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU REGROUP AND FIGURE OUT THOSE OPTIONS! NOT A LOT OF LEEWAY, IS THERE?! IS THERE?!?!? YOU ANSWER WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! AND SHUT UP WITH THAT FUCKING THINKY WHEEL!!!

Computer: (beep followed by blue screen of death)

(Beat.)

Me: Oh. Ohhhh…you bitch.

Computer: (black screen)

Me: You think you can just pull that? You think you actually have the leverage to pull that with me? On a Monday? Right now?

Computer: “Restart, safe mode.”

Me: …You picked the wrong person to fuck with today, friend.

Computer: “Rebooting in 5…4…3…2…”

Me: (an inch from the screen) I own you, bastard. Now: it’s on.

…I may or may not have been watching too much “Burn Notice” lately. But either way, this fucker has it coming.

~D

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