Dear SWAL 1.0

19 Nov

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It’s time for another installment of Marty’s Job Goes Viral. 

…For those of you just joining: read last month’s edition here.  For our frequent patrons: enjoy another select group of sexually frustrated and emo-fucked relationship questions, answered by yours truly.  These actual texts, IM’s and emails sent to Marty’s day-job inbox, are the top ten reasons we’ve found this month (in no particular order), of why working in the sex industry isn’t as glam as it seems.  (With all their original spelling and sentence structure.)

…These people exist, friends. 

And they are breeding. 

(Or at least are trying to.)

…God help us all.

***

Question: “From which planet u come from dear u re amazing u know how and when to say it. I like this topic u sent me, It’s a bomb ,sent more And it help my friend who was in need of it I just read to her before I forward it. Thanks and keep well.”

Answer: “We are happy here, on planet Earth, that you find our product of explosive goodness.”

~

Question:  “Hi its [Name] I have a question this girl he’s bin friends with my boyfriend for 6 years well he’s wasent seen her for a while And she finally shows up And they would hang together every day when I’m at School one day I vited her to Draink with us And a couple of my friends one of my friends caught Her kissing him now now a couple days later she texe him saying everything that happend was it all a lie I’m wondering what is everything And my boyfriend says its Nothein a day later he tells he’s come over when I wasent thar And I caught her my boyfriend told me becuse he wanted her to say sarry to me now what do you thank about this.”

Answer: “Dear [Name], (huge intake of breath) I-have-an-answer-for-you-but-you-might-not-like-what-you-hear-dude’s-been-cheating-on-you-with-this-“friend”-who-is-a-girl-and-there-are-just-no-two-ways-about-it-though-I’m-sure-if-you-asked-he’d-be-open-to-a-three-way-and-that’s-the-truth-so-how-I-look-at-it-is-either-sit-down-and-have-an-honest-talk-with-him-about-it-sharing-that-you-feel-he-has-an-inappropriately-close-relationship-with-this-chick-and-you-are-not-okay-with-it-then-see-how-he-reacts-and-go-from-there-or-you-can-just-go-all-loranna-bobbitt-cut-his-junk-off-and-hand-deliver-it-in-a-box-to-her-saying-‘found-this-in-my-bed-sorry-was-it-yours?-I-feel-really-bad-about-that.’ (huge intake of breath) Signed, SWAL.”

~

 Question: “my ex dumped me…saein v fought alot she cant handle d pressure…n it wasnt working well i met hr n decided v will b frnds bt since she dumped me i cudnt coop up vd it n fought again she tld she needs brk bt 4 me it wasnt possible i cnt stay away 4rm hr i dont knw wat happnd 2 hr she blockd me on watsaap n fb n she saes she cnt take me as frnd wat shud i do 2 gt hr back as my gf i still alot 4 hr”

Answer: “I’m sorry, we have no one at SWAL who speaks your native tongue. Please bare with us as we attempt to Google Translate your text, and transcribe our answers.”

Translation: Sory wat 4 no spake you-talk. giv min.

(Question Translation Of Question To English: I’ve been dumped, cuz I’m too much work for her right now, but she wants to be friends. I can’t be her friend so decided fighting with her about it would make her take me back, because I just have this stalker-like obsession with her and can’t let her go. Now she’s blocked me from every social network and form of contact in the free world, and says we can’t even be friends anymore. What should I do to get her back, I’m still obsessed.”)

(Answer In English: Look, I feel really badly for your loss, but you are swiftly approaching a point here where calls for restraining orders start getting distributed. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but you can’t force people to love you. It’s probably the most difficult lesson our program teaches: there is not always a “happy ending” to our love affairs. We must just accept that sometimes, we just need to let go, and move on with our lives. I firmly suggest, that you consider that, at this time.)

Answer Translation: “Dawg, m’gutz b twist wiv sory. But cheeze it, d fuzz b all in dat grilz shud u nt stp ghostin’ yo’ bitch. Naw ri’t. Naw sqr. She nt tap yr ass no mo’. No mak wiv d bee-bop, no bling-bling, no, “bitch, cal me?” Chill. No mo’ wiv it. She dun. Lots mo’ ass 2 b gt. Kick wiv othr n’ gt dwn wiv some “wat uuuup?!” axun in hr who-haw.”

~

Question: ” how..? as u wish bt i want she…. i love her”

Answer: “Straight up, we don’t know how the ‘Princess Bride’ is so brilliant with subtext either. ‘As you wish’ = ‘I love you?’ That shit is GOLD…and if WE had thought of copyrighting and marketing it as part of our product-base 20 years ago, I would be retired on a private island by now. However, what valuable lesson we CAN take from that quote, perhaps, is well-placed persistence and dedication to your courtship. Fear not, stable-boy Wesley…we have several ideal products to help you win your Buttercup, at last. (with a money-back, guarantee.)

~

Question: ” I THINK YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH CRACK OR METH!!! YOUR WHOLE FANTASY OF BEING MY MAN OR DATE IS WARPED, WE NEVER MET AND WE WERE NOT DAJUST BECAUSE WE SHARED SOME LOVE SONGS OVER THE INTERNET DOES NOT MAKE US A COUPLE. I WA JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP BECAUSE YOU WERE DEPRESSED ABOUT GETTING DUMPED, SO DONT MAKE ACCUSATIONS AND WE NEVER HAD MUTUAL SEX, RAPE DOES NOT MEAN WE WERE LOVERS. SORRY YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE LET GO MOVE ON, AND STOP STALKING ME…”

Answer: “WELL, I THINK YOUR FAVORITE PORN IS SHIT! I TOLD YOU TO STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME AT WORK! AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOOT DOWN ALL MY ROLE PLAYING IDEAS BEFORE WE EVEN START. ANYWAY, WHO SAID YOU ALWAYS GET TO BE THE “GUY”?!!?

~

Question: ” hi | can you plz help me ? by answering my question how can i make my bf love me more and more and never plane to leave me thanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

Answer: “Get a credit card that doesn’t accrue airline miles, and let him play video games whenever he wants.”

~

Question: ” It was he contacted me…I haven’t even started text him. He came to me told me how much he missed me and wanted me back, i told him i will go out the next day with another guy. Then at midnight he messaged me said he think he is not good enough for me, he doesn’t know what he can give me. I replied to ask him get lost, and called him loser. Then he disappeared. What’s going on with him??”

Answer: “One hopes: a good woman who appreciates humility, affection and effort. Way to fuck it up, babe.”

~

Question: ” hello …i broked up with my ex 2years ago.. he left me for someone else n they are still together.. we seldom talked to each other but not publically .. actually her g.f even dnt knw dat he talked to me.. but i find one thing very unusual is dat.. he talked to me nicely for 3-4 days n after dat again he quit talking to me.. plz help me .. thanks!”

Answer: “Sorry, am a little confused on the number of people we are talking about here and their gender specificity. What I can say is that s/he sounds like s/he wanted a little side action, (despite being in another long-term relationship), but got caught by sh/iz significant other. Let it lay, is what I advise. There’s already a Queen bee in his life, no good comes from poking the hive.”

~

Question: ” Please refund me for the [product name.] I downloaded up to day 4 and haven’t returned. I’m sorry the vibrational energy is not compatible with me.”

Answer: “We will certainly refund your money, should you wish…however, before we do so, are you aware of our large product line available, outside of our fine vibrator collection? We would be more than happy to send you more info.”

~

Question: ” I would like you to email me….so that will can now talk better and will can now each other better and i wil like you to drop me your email so that will can now talk better and will can now know each other better……….i will be waiting for your reply asap..”

Answer: “You’re getting better…but we still need to work on our pronouns. Much better than the 59other passes, though. And you thought learning English just to woo a Mail Order Bride would be hard! Pfft! One more time, now…I feel 60 is your lucky number!”

***

…That’s all for THIS month, kids. See you with our next installment in December!

Best of Sweaty, Sexy Wishes To You All,

SWAL

~D

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