The Great FedEx-ing

1 Oct


Boss spent an hour and twenty minutes today trying to figure out how to FedEx a box, on account.  This was due to the fact I was too busy with month end, and he’d forgotten he’d promised it to someone last Friday.

…As I continued my ongoing coding and computing sessions, he continued to pop his head in for help, rendering the fact that I was too busy to do it all to begin with, totally irrelevant.  It would have just been easier had I done it.

Boss: Hi. Yeah.  What site do we go to?


Boss: Really?  Not a special account one?

Me: No.


Boss: What’s our login and password?

Me: It’s in the Master Book.

Boss: What’s that? 

(I hand him book, and work on.)


Boss:  Where in the book?

Me: Huh?

Boss:  The login and password.  Where is it?

Me: In the section marked “Accounts Info,” under, “FedEx.”


Boss: Do we have any packing tape?

Me: Prob’ly.

Boss: Where would it be?

Me: In the supply closet.

(From supply closet)

Boss:  Where?

Me: With the tape. 

Boss: I don’t see it.

Me: Are you looking?

Boss: Yes.

Me: With your eyes?

Boss: Oh. There it is.


(The sounds of manic amounts of taping are coming from his office.)

Me: The box break?

Boss: No. I’m just trying to put the label on.

Me: That’s what the sleeve envelope is for.

(I get up and walk to his doorway. The single piece of paper is taped so hard to the box that a blizzard couldn’t part them.)

Boss: (Looking up from the ground, while sweating.) Will this work, do you think?

Me: (Blink.) Sure.


Boss: Hey. So where online do I go to call in a “pick-up?”

Me: You can just call the 800 number.


Boss: Where?

Me: What?

Boss: I can’t find the 800 number.

Me: It’s on the main page under…you know what…it’s on speed dial in the phone. Just go there.

Boss: Kay…


Boss: How do you get to speed dial?


Boss: (On phone.) No. I tried the phone tree and it just went on forever. I need a person. It’s this number. No we aren’t located there anymore. No, we aren’t. No. Nope. No. Don’t you pick things up from us like every other day?! How can you not find us?! (To me.) They can’t find us!

Me: Give them our phone number.

Boss: I did that.

Me: And my name.


Boss: (Into phone.) No, “on account.” No. “Account” “Account.” Yes. Oh. I dunno. (To me) What’s our account number?

Me: It’s on the label.

Boss: (Into phone.) It’s on the label.

Me: No, no…”it’s on the label”…you have to look at the label.

Boss: (Into the phone.) The label!

Me: No! You! You have to look at the label. The one you taped to the box.

Boss: Oh! Right. (Into phone.) Just a second…


(I walk in his office, a post-it with our month-end totals on it is placed under his nose, as he is still on the phone.)

Me: …Nearly $300k.

Boss: (Hangs up phone.) They’ll be here by four. Fuck.

Me: That was FedEx the whole time?!

Boss: Do you know how many kinds of “Express” they have? First Day, Second Day, Next Day — JUST GET IT THERE! I DON’T CARE!! I’m exhausted. I’m gonna go getta drink.

Me: Right.

Boss: See you later.

Me: Uh huh.

***He exits the door***


Boss: I brought you some tacos.

Me: Okay.

Boss: So, can I go for the day now?

Me: Sure. Thanks for the tacos…

Boss: …Fucking Mondays…

Me: (Mouth full of taco.) Yep.

***He leaves for good***


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