Archive | 3:19 am

What’s The Poop?

18 Aug


If I was ever going to write a book, it wouldn’t be a literary epic.


…I’ve tried ten or eleven times to do one, and I always get lost in the middle. 

If I wrote a book, it would have to look almost exactly like this blog; same kind of content, same format…only minus the kinds of things that could get me sued for “defamation of character” once people figured out who I was, and the place I work at.

I would sell something like fifteen copies total (ten of which would be purchased by my mother. ) All the critics would hate it,  due to its total lack of resounding theme or tone or purpose. And I would call it something really random.  Like, “Not Another Bathroom Book.” 

The first entry would go something like this:

As my title informs you, this is not just another bathroom book.  I mean sure, you can carry it with you to the john for an epic camp-out if you want.  I won’t judge you.  And I won’t take it personally either.  What I mean by it is: this book is not a short read of interesting stats and averages about curious creatures and mind-bending “didja knows?” I have no anecdotes to share with you. I don’t know what the fattest man in the world weighs in at, the annual rainfall of Idaho, or anything about the small tribes of peoples who occupy the Congo.

I can almost guarantee you won’t ever win a game to Trivial Pursuit just by reading this.

…What I hope you do do (heh…I said “do do”), is allow it to divorce yourself from your day-to-day “haftas” and “s’posed  tos” for a little bit of R&R time.  And maybe give you a laugh.  Because you deserve it.  And you deserve to sit in a proper chair not made of porcelain with a poop-hole cut out of it, while this takes place.

Before we begin, a heads up to the ground rules:  If you are adverse to occasional curses, swears and oaths as practiced by the saltiest of sailors, just put the book down now.  I don’t wanna piss you off with my linguistic acrobatics…it’s just the way I talk.  I was once advised that filtering it out would bring more readers and a higher class of critical acclaim. To which I said, “Balls to that! If I can’t be ‘me’ then what the hell is the point?” And I’ll stand by that statement til my dieing day. 

…Or at least til I’m granted my first audience with the Queen of England.

Next: If you are the type or grammarian-Nazi that my Editor is, this book may not be for you, either. Just because I converted them to the dark side, doesn’t necessarily mean I can achieve this on everyone.  I frequently make up words, disregard all rules and regulations to format and sentence structure, my run-ons can get more epic than the entirety of “Beowulf”…and I really like ellipse.

…Like, a lot.

If, by chance, you can suffer these criteria… I am told by the dozens and dozens of  three people who have been screaming at me to write a freakin’ book, that you’re prob’ly gonna have a pretty good time swimming through these words.

If not: I’m sorry. 

But only a little bit.

…Because frankly, you already bought the book, the buck-fifty is mine now, and you can use it as extra toilet paper when you run out, for all I care.*

(* I lied just now.  But at least I did it with conviction.)

So, without further ado: I give you a collection of informal essays and quips guaranteed to make you feel better about the life you lead. 

“At least I’m not like that poor bastard,” you will say any number of times throughout.

To which I reply: “You’re welcome.”


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