Archive | 10:28 am

The Many Tortures Of “Wanting Things”

13 Aug


Here’s another fun fact:

I have this deep, unwavering desire to own everything the moment I see it. Most especially the kind of crap that no one actually needs.  I will walk into a store and within three minutes find something that I never knew existed, but suddenly realize I cannot possibly live without.

…How can you?!

A pickle peeler?!  I always wanted one of  those! 

This thing de-seeds strawberries?! Score!

At last, a flame-proof kitchen towel that puts fires OUT!

Everyone should have this tummy-tucker, fat-melting belt that zaps you with electric shocks when you relax your gut!

How did we live before the advent of the Bedazzler?

It’s about damn time someone figured out how to remove and convert all my dead skin cells into plant fertilizer!

Finally! A way to microwave bacon!

Goodbye pesky need to touch the egg shells and crack them myself!

…Back when I had cable, I used to watch infomercials by the hour in total wonderment.  Like some people watched our probe landing on Mars.  I never actually purchased the objects, but I confess to much fantasizing of doing so.  Only my pocketbook held me back.  That and the fact I would have to actually wait for it to arrive to my home.  And I don’t like waiting for things.  Besides, by the time it got there, I’d be on this whole other bent of all-consuming desire for a glow-in-the-dark flashlight or something…making past “wants,” but silly errors of my youth.

…And this is why places like Bed, Bath & Beyond are on a list of “enablers” for me, equal to a junkie’s drug-dealer.

The place is just a fortress of sexual purchase enticement, prob’ly only equal to a strip joint for most other people.  It’s horrifying, the things that fly through my brain surrounded with so much junk-ownership possibility.  It’s euphoric and sometimes orgasmic when a certain me turns an aisle corner to face this “thing.”

This “thing!”  Ohhhh, this “thing!”

“…You are beautiful!  What function!  What…multiple forms of use you could be to me!  I love how you sit there and beckon me with your sexy gaze!  I love how you taunt and tease me to touch you…pick you up…oh ‘thing’…’thing!’  I know it may seem fast for you, but I must confess: I love you.”

“…Can we please run away together?  I just know it’ll work.  Picture it: you and me…together in use and finally, between our combination of talents, achieving all that we were meant to achieve on this the earth.  I know we may not seem like the ‘sensible’ fit for some people.  I know that you and I might indeed face prejudice, gossip and judgements…especially when people see you’ve moved in and completely taken over my life as you will.   But they don’t know our love, dear ‘thing.’  They can’t possibly understand how well we fit together, and will question just how badly I really need you.  But I DO, dear ‘thing’…I do.”

This red, hot affair will last all of five to ten seconds, before I become the kind of two-timing asshole they used to feature on Oprah. 

“…Wait, wait!  What’s this??  A new kind of ‘thing’ with multiple usage settings?!  Um…listen, ‘old thing’…it’s been great.  I’ll always remember our time together.  You’ve been a very special part of my life.  But I feel like it’s time we move on.  We’ve changed so much since first we met.  We just aren’t the same people anymore. I know you feel it too.  And I think we should just be friends.”

Multiply that by something like two hours, wherein I am sucked into a wormhole of constant enticements…each greater than the last…and by the time I actually reach the registers I feel like the biggest whore who has ever walked the earth.  My truth-pledges of love mean nothing anymore.  My promises to, “serve” and “protect” are meaningless, flippant, erroneous, falsities.  I am the biggest dick that ever lived…and I feel like the “thing” that finally won actual purchase in the end, knows it.

It knows it.

This “thing” has won for now…but like with any asshole who starts out a new relationship by cheating on the first one…the “thing” which I’m married to now, knows it is only a matter of time.  Their days are clearly numbered. How long before they have changed in my eye from that “beautiful young thing of desire” to “the old hat banished to the back of the junk drawer”…one cannot know for sure.  But that it WILL happen, even I can’t be chump enough to lie about.

It’s safer for me, in the end, to just avoid these situations altogether.  I know my weakness, I am aware of my “addiction.”  With time, I have learned to conquer it, to stay the hell AWAY from stores of this ilk which suck me in with all their sexual enticements.

…But every once in a while, even a Holy man will falter. We are but human, after all.

And this is all to say:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.  It’s been two weeks since my last confession…”



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