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10 Aug

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Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was fighting a personal battle that cost me a lot. 

…It was a vicious War about privacy and self respect…about lies and truths, broken trusts, and shame.  It destroyed friendships, fed gossip, fueled anger, served up crushing guilts and for the rest of my life, I will never quite get past the irony and hypocrisy of it all.

…Not all of which was the fault of others.

Listen, humans really care about what people think of them…how they are viewed by society and their friends and family.  Especially the people who roll their eyes about it and would deny the fact with their last dying breath.

We care.

…We care so much, we become self-righteous about it.  We dig in our heels and refuse to budge…often at whatever the personal, emotional or physical cost may be.  And if you are forced to fight such a battle for long enough, and hard enough…you can often get lost inside of it.  Prejudices that you are fighting, then become a thing you are suddenly embracing in direct contrast…because your need to protect yourself (and those people and relationships you love), takes precident above all else. 

Above all else.

…Until it just doesn’t anymore.

And that is when you have lost the battle. 

…Because sometimes, you get tired.  The body, the soul, the conscience…the everything you have left after months and months of bloody battle, that has been beaten to a bloody pulp, nearly unrecognizable.  We have limits.  We are not Superheros masquerading on this earth, no matter how much we’d like to believe we are.  Even when we are in the “right,” we overcompensate justifications until we are now in the “wrong.”  Especially when we are just not prepared for the War we are waging.

I wasn’t prepared.

I fucked it up.

It took a long time to admit to myself that I was also partly to blame.

…I’ve learned a lot since then.  I’ve learned that pride and prejudice was (and sometimes sadly still IS) a part of who I am.  Like all my other self-aware failings, these are things I have to battle to some end, on a consistent basis. 

Like all mind sicknesses…which I firmly believe without a doubt, both “Pride” and “Prejudice” are…I am forced to face my failing with not a little disgust, and conscious effort on my part to cut it the fuck out.  Like all mind sicknesses, it isn’t necessarily all my fault…due to personal history, education and circumstance…but that does not by any means, make it “alright.”  And I realize this.

…A lot of people, however, do not.

We take our personal beliefs and little prejudices and hold them up like flags, marching into battle against others…PURELY because they do not happen to agree with us.  We turn other’s  private “choices” and “lifestyles” into hell-damnable consequences, which in our own heads will somehow infect the world as a whole….like the fucking Black Plague…if we ever DEEM to allow them to even exist. Whether we partake in them, or not. 

…We are callous to other’s situations and feelings while they do their best just to survive this world…standing in shoes we could never possibly understand.  We point fingers and name-call in jest and wonder what the hell is wrong with our kids who commit heinous hate-crimes saying, “I just don’t understand where they get it from?!” 

…We hide behind versions of “right” and “wrong” taught us from childhood, and pass it onto our children…because it’s all we know to do. We string scriptures together to prove that God is on our side…a God, I’m sure, who is daily watching everything from pulpits to News channels…shaking his head with the sheer audacity at our hypocrisy, hatred and stupidity.

…Even the fact that I am writing this little piece of “admonishment,” is an eyeroller of outstanding cheek.  I know I’m as bad as the rest of humanity at pulling all of this shit.  I know it.

I know I am.

…Every once in a while something happens.  A situation occurs, a mirror is held up in front of me and I have to actually look back at the reflection.  I HAVE to admit, I am not as good a person as I could be…as I am meant to be.  That I have zero ground to stand on when judging how other people choose to live their lives.  Caught, yet again, as the idiot-hypocrite, bitching about how “hypocritical” everyone else is.

Wake up, honey.

So here’s an offer…a battle…an opportunity to serve what is “good” and “fair” and fucking “right.”

Having been raised in the gun-totin’ist Republican Right-winger family that prob’ly ever there was…having to spend the better part of my adulthood to “fix” the kinds of things that this sort of “closed-minded” upbringing can do to a person’s insides…I offer you an opportunity.   How far can a person change and still be themselves?  How do you fight prejudices you were raised with, but which you HAVE TO believe were only passed down in “ignorance,” not purported “hate” and “damnation?” And how do you fight the two sides of guilt that can sometimes crush you in the middle of it all?

You play a right-wing, insistent, bible-thumping, morality-spewer…with the complete intent on preventing a thing — purely for the sake that you do not believe it is right — even though you will not be directly influenced in the least by it.

…SAY those words.  Spew them out with all the hatred and ignorance and vengeance and hell-fire abomination that they contain.  Actually FACE the people to whom this all will effect for the rest of their lives.

…And then realize: you aren’t as bad a person as you might think you are.  You have grown. You have changed.  You have learned some things.

…Because after an entire career of playing whores and gluttons and murderers and villains…I’ve rarely had the type of disgust in my mouth from word-spewing as I did last night, at rehearsal.

…And I’m pretty proud about that.

Come visit us this Saturday and see what it all means…and why basic human rights and “winning” them…are still faaaar from over.

Lets fix that.

~D

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