Archive | 1:20 pm

Your Id Called…

9 Aug


I live by a pub.  So I happen to know first hand, through hours of careful subject study, that the following is in fact a scientific truth.

Here’s what I think: alcohol is actually magic.  We’re just used to it, so take it’s many elemental aspects for granted.  I know this for two reasons:

1) I have seen drunk people do and live through things only a Superhero could.
2) If enough is consumed, the subject actually reverses the history of evolution.

…If that ain’t magical, I dunno what is.

If you are honest about it (and why not be)…there is a specific threshold of amazement that we all hit while imbibing in the various juices of rotting chemistry.  We grow a little taller, get a little sexier…our wit becomes landmark in its styling and nuance. Almost every time you are drunk you can suddenly debate everything from Politics to Philosophy far better than the assholes who happen to do it for a living.  You solve world hunger and economic crashes, end Wars, cure Cancer and prob’ly even invented the internet that one time. 

…If humanity were allowed to live in this higher echelon of thinky amazement all the time, we would own the universe, live on Mars and need no God.

Also, we’d have figured out “recycling.”

…But because of the adage, “Too much of a good thing”…and how there’s all these “pluses” needing “minuses” to balance stuff out in the universe…the magic juice eventually turns a chemical corner. Somewhere between cup two and eight (depending on your particular constitution), the subject of said magic will alter drastically.  Most of the time it appears nearly instant, and unforgiving.  Suddenly, after an all-night bender of intake, a person breaks through the invisible barrier of the human world into an entirely new dimension of  being. You can tell because they begin to regress in intellect and motor skills immediately, becoming Aliens to this world and it’s limitations.  Suddenly the thinky genius has been smacked down by the hand of God himself (probably)…a direct result of having to…on account if not, what use would be consequences, and things like heaven and hell?

…The air starts getting heavier all of a sudden, the subject’s head begins to bobble like an infant.  Next, like the building of Babylon, new tongues arrive, replacing  the old. Said subject is suddenly aware they’ve forgotten how to speak the human language almost entirely…or else every one else has, cuz no one seems to be understanding  them.  They waver and bend and flop and bray, trying their best to explain that the body they were handed  at the door (they “guess,” cuz they don’t really remember) isn’t working so well.  The legs are all floppy, the feet don’t fit, and the air keeps pushing them down.  Why this vendetta with “space,” they don’t know…only like a bully in a schoolyard it keeps socking them to the ground. Or maybe someone stole their bones?

“My bones! My bones!” They cry, as people who’s skin actually fits them,  watch from tables nearby.

…Maybe here is when the magical juice decides it wants to backfire a bit. Prob’ly because the various mixings of its various elements are now cooking in the Bunsen burner of said subject’s gut, and their body has decided the compounds don’t really go together as well as one thought they would.

A heaving out of the magics, thus commences. 

…Great chunks and colors explode about, blessing with baptism whoever happens to be nearby.  And there is anger and confusion across the land.

And maybe a fight.

…But because of the residual magics still soaked in, (the ones that haven’t all hydrogen bombed out, in a regurgitation mushroom cloud of sick)…said subject is still blessed with their one remaining power that they, until now, had no idea they possessed.

“And invincibility shall be yours!” Quotes the magics from inside.

So it is.

Faces, absorb fists like quick sand with nary a mark. You can’t break a bone with the wildest kick or snap, when you have none to break. Falling over becomes a slow motion sport wherein said subject can actually arrest time and manipulate the elements. Throw them against an object,  (a parked car, rock or street sign), and like putty they merely bounce back, ricocheting off with the use of their enemy’s energy with superb (though floppy) return. This can go on for hours, or minutes…or minutes which seem like hours…but in the end leaves the exhausted human-hybrid freakishly still somewhat functioning. Not a broken or incapacitated part of their anatomy to show for their enemy’s work.

This too shall pass, however. Because the magics will only charm so long before they are drained of their power. And this is where the great wizard of humanity, falls from favor and begins to revert back to the human entity of before.

…A quivering, vomiting, sweating, gurgling, sopping mass…like the things which once first pulled themselves onto land and began to crawl the earth. No language or comfort can reach them.  No reasoning can enlighten them.  They are now as once were cavemen…grunting, rolling upon the ground, soiling themselves with disgrace and completely in shock at the great journey they have, that evening, made.  Space and time travel could not possibly outdo the wonderment of disease-curing humanity, to Biblical wizard, to Superhero, to this. 

“How did it happen?!  Why was this done?!  Dear Lord, may I never repeat it, if I ever live beyond this moment of horrific gut-pain and puking loss!”

…But because (as Tolkien and Harry Potter and Buffy teach us) the magics are hypnotical powers, calling to our ancient selves in search of constant enlightment of things that could be! There is almost never a, “never again,” as sworn.

…The “what if?” And “imagine this.” Are far too great a possibility.

And so, there came to be great crops risen, far across the land…called “pubs” and “bars,” “distilleries,” “vinyards” and “breweries.”  And like the lost hopefuls that we are, humanity doth frequent them, rise up with magics of greatness and return to earth with wild crashings. 

It’s because we care. 

…We want to solve the burning questions and fucked up philosophies…we want to be our most beautiful and invincible selves. 

…We do it because, like all experimenters across time who have walked the earth: perhaps someday we will manage to obtain and sustain this great enlightenment for the  good of all mankind.

…And perhaps it’ll be this Friday.

Oh, but we shall do our best to try.


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