Damp Rag Dolls Of Death

6 Aug


It’s been hot here.  This is a huge abnormality involving the temperature reaching into the 90’s or more, leaving most western Washingtonians in sopping puddles on the floor.

…And yes, I do know, “That ain’t even hot” to most places on this earth.  I was born and bred in California, people…believe me, I know what naked thighs on plastic car seats in freeway traffic can do to you.

It’s different here. 

…We don’t have much in the way of air conditioning or swimming pools.  I guess cuz one figures one can “muscle through” the heat, all two days a year that we get some.  But then when it actually arrives, we completely lose our shit…filling up the hospitals on dehydration-induced I.V. diets, and finding reasons to stand in front of the open refrigerator for hours at a time.  People start scalping fans on street corners, cuz every store in the state already sold out of ’em all…and the ice cream parlors and 7-11s turn into raving meat-markets of insanity.

…Even at home in a cooler brick-covered fortress, my plants are falling over themselves with almost-death by afternoon (though I water ’em every morning.) And my fish give me looks at feeding time like, “Fuuuuck.  I know we’re tropical and all, but seriously, we’re poaching over here!” 

It prob’ly wouldn’t be so bad if one had nothing to do during these few days a year, when this happens.  Take off to a lake or something?  You betcha!  But in keeping with all other “conveniences” in life, it just never works out that way.  The way it goes is: Hottist day of the flippin’ year, go spend four hours trying to look impressive at callbacks while you rain out of every pore, pitting out even behind your knee caps…then go home and get dolled up for a formal cocktail party you’re already two hours late to.

Taking showers after showers, (because you’re already sweating before you even get around to doing your hair)…doesn’t help.  Neither does trying to sausage damp appendages into nylons…because though it ain’t the “style” (and you might die of heat exhaustion for it), you simply cannot bring yourself to allow the bleached whiteness of total anti-tan to further embarrass you.

…Then, add some alcohol to the mix.

…Delightfully flavored champagne cocktails, and tables full of tiny eatables, which do not (in the heat) quite balance themselves out.  Dream of an evening, though it may have been, the stone-cold-sober payback the following day after only two drinks, lasted across two meals and five gillion glasses of water…well into something like 3 PM. 

Just a rag doll of soppy, heat exhaustion and brain aches…starfishing across the couch in the living room, refusing to move until around one this morning… when I decided it might have finally cooled off enough to risk getting ready for bed without feeling like I’d run a triathlon directly after.

Success at last!

…I even slept okay…and had only just the teeniest of dehydration headaches, come the 6:30 alarm.

Today, we are back to the more reasonable high 60’s, low 70’s.  About where my California relations start layering on fleece jackets and complaining about the cold.  THIS is where we are “at home.”  THIS is the language that we speak.

…Not to bitch and moan about the one true experience of “summer” in our summer…but, man!  I am just NOT built for this kinda thing anymore.

…Somewhere , in another reality plane, my Mexican ancestor’s just shook their heads, took back my ethnic card and disowned me for going full Gringo.

It happens.


2 Responses to “Damp Rag Dolls Of Death”

  1. Puff August 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    You asked for the heat, I just hope it’s not like that when I’m there!

    • classicmoviewatcher August 6, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

      I think I’ll be back to it’s norm by then. Also..we’ll be on the water on boats n’ things, so we’ll be tossing “hoorays” in the wind 🙂

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