Wrong Breakfasting

8 Jul


I’ve just succeeded in ruining breakfast again. 

…Woke up late, due to chronic Mrs. Johnson shenanigans in my guttal region all night, forcing me to grab what few hours I could whenever they came to me.  This ended at 11 a.m., with a sum-total of about five hours if you squish all the separate minutes together into one chunk…resembling a “sleeping” version of canned Spam.

…Anyway, I was lazy, and I’m outta milk. 

Instead to trying to choke down dry cereal pebbles (an action not unknown to me), I decided to take all the pre cut and grated salad fixings, and throw ’em into a bowl.  Then, grabbing my fist-full of drugs, I loped to the living room, sat at the coffee table and tried to convince my appetite that raw onions are delicious and everyone wishes they had kidney beans and garlic chicken staring them in the face first thing in the morning!

I took a few sketchy bites, and decided that “not thinking about it” was going to be the best plan in choking it all down.

…Because I love me some spinach salad, friends! You get some avocado and onions, tomatoes, two kinds of cheese…spiced chicken, couple kinds of beans and throw some cilantro on that shit, and I’m about as mouth-happy as you can get! But I am also here to tell you that as delicious as it is, there are just some foods you shouldn’t face before your morning coffee (whatever time and however late in the day that might be.) And this here, is one of ’em.

…And because we are friends, and I care about you…because I love food far too much to see it wasted in moments outside of its “magic hour” expiration dates,  I thought I would put my suffering to use and share with you several foods with special rules that will help you not repeat the morning travesty I just got finished partaking in.  Please feel free to add to the list as you see fit.  They are, in no particular order:

Exception Foods” Not To Be Eaten Before Morning Coffee

* Leftover chimichangas.
* Any kind of soup.
* Anything containing fish items (which should technically never be eaten anyway…they swim in their own poop.)
* Spaghetti.
* Meat not belonging to a pig. (Unless you’re Irish.  Then corned beef hash is not only allowed, but encouraged.)
* Pizza. (After you graduate College, trade this tradition in for your diploma. Adult-you will thank me for it)
* Raw onions or garlic.
* Anything you ate for dinner last night.  Even if it was “breakfast.” (Your body is still using the first version, and you’ll only confuse it.)
* Savory breads with things like chunks of veggies in it.
* Anything involved in “pickling.”
* Anything which falls under the blanket term of “Fair food.”
* “Hair of the dog.” (Unless you aperitief it with a giant slug of Pepto first.)
* Soda (your guts will explode. I saw it happen once.)
* Spinach salad (with all the fixin’s.)

…Note that I have said nothing of things like Pop-Tart-sprinkled-Captain-Crunch, or Venti Oreo Cookie Fraps with Chocolate Whip.  This is not to assume I think of these as good ideas for breakfast food meal plans.  It just means I’ve taken into account that though you may contract severe diabetes by consuming them, your tastebuds won’t recognize the wrongness as much, merely because sugar is involved. And sugar, (as we know) masks a multitute of sins.

Right. Now that my conscience is clear, and my duty is done…I am off to brew me a fat-ass pot of Kona, and scrub my tongue, pretending this entire episode never took place.



4 Responses to “Wrong Breakfasting”

  1. Andrew July 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    Ha, what chimichangas don’t go with coffee? Sounds like a great combination.

    • classicmoviewatcher July 8, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

      …Not the last ten or twelve times I’ve tried it. (With food, I’m a slow learner.)

  2. Tim crane July 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    The part about fish reminds me of my favorite W C Fields quote ” Don’t drink water, fish fuck in it. ” A better argument for starting the day with good Irish Whiskey has never been made ; )

    • classicmoviewatcher July 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

      I’m with him.

      …Which reminds me…ever hear of that time Hepburn, Bogart and Huston went on location to film “The African Queen?” Every damn person in the cast and crew got dysentery and eleven other diseases, from food, water and animal bite infection *except* Bogie n’ Huston. Cuz they sanitized their systems by embalming themselves in alcohol throughout, and smoked like chimneys.

      …Ahh, the good ol’ days. When men were MEN, and livers were made of cast iron.

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