The Episode Where She Leaves Him

30 Jun

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You know how married people fight? 

…I mean the “epic” fighters…the real vocal-chord-shredding type.  I mean, like the Taylor and Burton kind of epicness?  Well, that has become the basic “norm” in the office in the past two months. 

…Boss sails in and dumps a bunch of shit on the two of us running the place, then books it to the nearest Happy Hour.  Even finding some that begin as early as 9:30 a.m. (Or so we are told.)  Basically, he has the manners of a dog…walks right up to your lawn, takes a GIANT dump on the clean carpet of green, and promptly leaves it for you to step in, then pick up, later.

…Also, he’s been yelling a lot. About everything.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU KNOW I NEEDED THIS WITHOUT TELLING YOU?! CAN YOU NOT READ MY MIND?!  WHERE IS THAT PAPER I HAD IN MY HAND TWO DAYS AGO WITH THE THINGY ON IT?!  WHERE IS THE TRUCK OF STOCK I FORGOT TO ORDER?! DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND MY CHICKEN SCRATCH WRITING?! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS AN AUTOCORRECT AND WRONG! WHO STOLE MY STAPLER?!  WHY IS IT RAINING AGAIN?!  WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME ALL OF A SUDDEN?! …I’M A VERY CHARMING INDIVIDUAL!! ASK ANYONE?!”

…Naturally, I yell back.

“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DUMP SHIT AND JUST LEAVE?! HOW DOES FACEBOOKING FOR NINE HOURS CONSTITUTE ‘WORKING?!’  IF YOU DON’T ORDER THE STOCK, WE HAVE NOTHING TO SELL!  WHY AM I SPENDING THREE HOURS GETTING YOUR BONUS FOR YOU WHILE YOU DRINK JOHNNY WALKER ON ICE, DOWN THE STREET?  STOP CONTACTING ME AFTER HOURS! WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A GIANT DOUCHBAG?!”

We have an odd mechanic of a relationship, I know.

…Over the five years working with him, I have become so indispensable that I’ve been told to my face, even if I (say for giggles), decided to burn the place to the ground tomorrowhe would take the heat for it.  Because he knows very little (if anything) of what I actually do in a day.  All he knows is: it gets done.  All of the “it.”  The arrangement we have , goes something like: He never changes his ways, and after I reach a point where I cannot take it ANYMORE, I blow up at him, royally.  He takes it.  He leaves to find a bar.  I sit and keep doing paperwork. 

It’s not perfect, I grant you.  But it is our “system.”

…But the “system” has been cooking with extra steam since our last job contract came through, and now there is little, if any, reprise, ‘tween one fight and the next.  Our office marriage has become the most idyllic poster child for “divorce” that you have ever seen.  We just grip each other’s throats  and tear, on a nearly daily basis.

…Which is one of many reasons that I am now looking for a new place of employment.

…But, WHY the extra-oomph of hell at the office all of a sudden?

Among many reasons, a new one popped up, mid-yell over the phone yesterday.

***

He: …I MEAN, JUST MAKE IT FREAKING HAPPEN!  WHAT IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM?!

Me: YOU!! YOU ARE MY DAMN PROBLEM!  I’M ALREADY ON MY FIFTH REPORT THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.  I’VE ALREADY DROPPED EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN DOING TODAY TWICE TO GET THIS CRAP DONE.  PLUS, I WAS ON VACATION LAST WEEK, AND AM TRYING TO FIX ALL THE SHIT YOU SCREWED UP!

He: HEY, AT LEAST I TRIED!!

Me: THIS ISN’T GRAMMAR SCHOOL!  YOU DON’T GET POINTS FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO DO YOUR JOB FIVE-YEARS-IN, BUT FINALLY DECIDING TO GIVE IT A “GO” ON A THURSDAY AT 3:35 PM!

He: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!  WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I’M ASKING YOU?!

Me: I AM!! OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE OTHER TWELVE THINGS YOU DUMPED ON ME ALREADY TODAY?

***

…Etc.

It has become the kind of volatile atmosphere that breeds heartburn and migraine headaches (Me). And flagrant morning-alcoholism (He).  And we don’t even have to be in the same building to achieve it. But even though the stress and contracts and numbers have been a HUGE contributing reason as to why we have been pushed to the kind of stress we currently boil in, all day every day…it has gotten considerably worse.

At first, I thought I was rubbing off on him. 

When I’m good n’ pissed, I can be quite a bitch.  It’s true.  I kinda own it.  But he was never a cusser in the average day-to-day…and he yelled very little.  Now, he’s like a hydrogen bomb.  Which means, naturally, so am I.  So there we go, day in, day out, exploding like beach hits at Normandy…

***

He: …WELL, NOW I WANT YOU TO DO THIS ‘OTHER’ OTHER THING. SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Me: LOOK, I’M ALREADY DOING THIS REPORT THAT I HAVE TO SEND TO YOU BY FOUR…SO YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME ON IT LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER, AND TURN IT INTO THE TEACHER.  I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO BOTH!

He:  SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW THEN, HUH?!  I NEED THIS THING!

Me: THEN I SUGGEST YOU PAY THE BAR TAB , GO FIND A PLACE WITH WIRELESS, AND DO IT YOURSELF! JUST THIS ONCE.  YOU’LL SURVIVE. I PROMISE YOU.

He: LOOK, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS!  I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I’M TELLING YOU?!

Me: I  AM!!!!!  I DON’T JUST SHIT REPORT ANALYSIS!  IT REQUIRES FIGURING OUT.  WHICH IS ACTUALLY YOUR JOB.  THIS IS MY FIFTH ONE I’VE DONE FOR YOU TODAY!  I’M ONE PERSON!!! ONE PERSON!

He: YEAH, WELL?!  WE ALL HAVE “PROBLEMS,” DON’T WE?!  I “NEED” THIS THING AND “DON’T HAVE IT.”  YOU HAVE THINGS I DON’T NEED, BUT WON’T GIVE ‘EM TO ME…!

Me: WHAT?! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MAKING SENSE NOW!

He: — YEAH, WE AAAAALLLLL HAVE “PROBLEMS,” !  EXCEPT SOME PEOPLE.  THEY HAVE EVEN BIGGER ONES…!!!

Me: –WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…??!!

He: — OH GEE, YOU HAVE TOO MANY REPORTS TO DO…OH GEE, I’M BEING AN ASSHOLE TO YOU…WELL, AT LEAST YOUR WIFE DIDN’T JUST LEAVE YOU!

Me: — I DON’T HAVE A WIFE!  

He: — YEAH WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT: SHE DOES

(Beat of total silence.)

He: THAT’S RIGHT!! SHE LEFT ME!  FOR A WOMAN!  AND DON’T GO TELLING ANYONE! CUZ I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY IT OUT LOUD!  AND NOW IT ACTUALLY FEELS EVEN WORSE!! SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT! AND WHEN THE HELL WILL THAT OTHER REPORT GET DONE, ANYWAY?!?!?

(The line falls to death on both ends.)

Me: I’m starting it now.

He: WELL, ALRIGHT THEN!

***

It’s probably the only fight in History that I have ever “thrown.”  Willingly. On purpose.  And immediately.  I figured, just this once, maybe it wasn’t essential that I “win.”

I feel it was the right choice. 

…Course, ask me again on Monday and it’ll prob’ly be an entirely different story.

~D

One Response to “The Episode Where She Leaves Him”

  1. Puff June 30, 2012 at 2:28 am #

    Ouch, but that still is no reason to take it out on you!

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